A Fox in Tokyo
by Doghead Thirteen
Summary: Naruto Uzumaki just became a ninja. But wait a minute, since when was Konoha hidden in modern-day Tokyo and where did all the guns and bombs come from? This is Nerima, 1996, and these are the meanest streets on Earth. Set in the Top Dog universe.
1. Chapter 1

As I progress with the rewrite of Biker 1/2, it becomes more and more apparent that I need to subject the Naruto cast to a full set of altaversing and character development.

I'd originally planned to do so as a series of short 'vignettes', but as I studied (and became a fan of) the Naruto series and it's related fanon, it rapidly became apparent that there was just too much material required to get the ninjas of Konoha from A (their canon selves) to B (the way they'll feature in Biker 1/2.)

Therefore, a third leg to Top Dog became a necessity, and in some ways it's a good thing as I figure a lot of Naruto fans will enjoy this thing; in some ways it acts as a reasonably direct Naruto altaverse, transposing Konoha into a 1990's Tokyo where the supernatural happens, and making a few further changes I'm laying down in writing in this, the first chapter of this new branch of the Top Dog continuity.

Note that, while I'm far from immured to reading other ships, I ship Naruto/Hinata because I think the blonde rascal deserves someone who loves him for who he is, and I likewise believe Hinata has the right of it; she admired Naruto from the word go, she was right to, and she deserves to get what she's spent half her life wishing for.

Also note that I do my best to avoid character bashing. Don't expect me to bash Sasuke or Sakura, you'll be disappointed; but, at the same time, don't expect the Sasuke and Sakura herein to deserve to be bashed, and the same goes for our favourite scarecrow. And further note that I do not regard anything beyond the Chuunin Exams as fully canon; that's when Naruto went to hell in a handbasket, and many points from there on had me screaming, 'WTF are you smoking, you author you?!?!', just the same as my reactions to Potter canon beyond 'Goblet of Fire' and pretty much anything you care to name that isn't written by Masamune Shirow.

Further, it'd be beneficial for you to note that I like pop-culture references, cameos, and random crossover elements wherever they fit, and I'll further advise you that, if you don't like what I've got to say, it's not my emergency. If you dig my stuff, hey, that's cool, but if you don't, I suggest you click the little back button in your browser, as until you're paying me in cold hard cash, I am not trying to please you; I am trying to please myself.

Oh, and just by the way, I've changed a name or two. They aren't a mistake, especially not the name of the Third Hokage; I know his canon name is different, and the altered name is intentional for crossover-related reasons.

Still here? Great; welcome to Top Dog: A Fox in Tokyo. Come on in, there's no booby-traps on the doorway, honest.

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**This ain't no slash fic.**

**This ain't no self-insert fic neither.**

**This is Top Dog.**

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Ask a so-called 'expert' and they'll tell you true ninjutsu died out sometime in the Sixties. That's bullshit, and I'm living proof.

Because I'm a modern Jonin ninja.

I dare say, dressed as I am in urban camouflage, Kevlar-lined tactical vest and combat boots, most people wouldn't say I looked the part. They'd be more likely to think of a soldier on FIBUA (that's Fighting In Built-Up Areas) duty, or a SWAT (aka Special Weapons And Tactics) police officer. When they think of ninjas, they think of the old-school 'night-suits', of short swords with chemically blackened blades, not of bullet-proof vests and suppressed sub-machine guns. When they see someone who looks like me, either they see an armed soldier (someone they want to get the hell out the way of) or a spectacularly weird cosplayer (who, again, they want to get the hell out the way of) or just, generally, someone they don't want to screw around. Okay, so I _do _own a night-suit - your typical client loves the melodrama - but here, in the streets, a night-suit is a liability. Hell, if you're a ninja who looks like a ninja, you're screwing up - and ninjas who screw up tend to rapidly become dead ninjas.

And ninjas aren't allowed to die without permission.

Fuck sake, we're in the age of the automatic weapon, the automobile, and the computer. Believe me, these days guys like me don't screw around with throat-slitting and poison in the well; our favourite tools are the high-precision rifle for assassination and the sub-machine gun for eliminating threats to VIP's or silencing witnesses - assuming, of course, there's anyone talented enough to actually spot a ninja like me. Even when we're not 'ghosting', using our auras to bend visible light around our bodies and become functionally invisible, we're adept in the fine art of not being noticed.

I kneel now on a girder, two-thirds of the way up Tokyo Tower, looking down on the swarming throngs below. Every last motherfucker down there would say he's better than me because some of my ancestors used to gut fish or shovel shit. Eta, am I? Burakumin, you say? Think again, you ignorant bastards - I'm holding a Russian-made Vintorez silenced sniping rifle, and I'm carrying enough ammo to kill three hundred people before anyone could even work out where I am. An exceptionally talented martial artist could pick out my aura if he looked - but the chance of such an elite looking up here are relatively slim, and even if someone did, I'd spot there aura reacting to the perceived threat and be long gone by the time they got up here - even if they're one of those Chinese martial arts masters who've learned to levitate by raw will alone.

What am I doing up here with my hands full of death? That's simple. Three days ago, we identified the last of the rat fuckers responsible for murdering our master's wife, the only one who managed to survive the renegade truckers expressing their displeasure over that particular Yak gang killing a popular trucker. My squadmates have his movements pinned, and in a couple of minutes I'm going to spray the bastard's brains all over the street.

I'm not stupid enough to think I'm a 'good guy' because I'm doing this for 'honourable' reasons. I know that any people who take innocent little kids and train them to remorselessly murder aren't exactly shining examples of humanity; when it comes down to it, I and my kind are as low as dirt. Us Konohagakure just happen to be exceptionally violent dirt who stick together and stick by the oaths our ancestors swore. Believe me, I know exactly what I've become - just another stone-cold killer hunting for statistics in the concrete jungle - but that's the lot of the modern ninja. I like to think we're somehow better than the majority of modern ninjas, because we serve one of the old samurai clans rather than a corporation or a crime cartel, but I shouldn't kid myself; when all is said and done, we're professional murderers.

You're probably wondering what's brought on this particular nasty little train of thought, O hypothetical audience. Well, that's fairly complex.

I'm a member of the Konohagakure ninja clan's elite ANBU branch, though I won't be for much longer. As soon as I've made this kill, I'll be resigning from ANBU; once I'm done getting payback for what those bastards did to the mistress I've got more important things to do than eliminating anyone who gets in the clan's way.

Now I suppose you're wondering, to a ninja like me, what could be more important than eliminating anyone who gets in my clan's way?

Family, that's what. It's not something I've got a huge amount of familiarity with - my mother died bearing me, my father disembowelled himself when I was six, and my elder sister went the same way as my mother almost ten years ago. Up until two days ago, I thought my nephew was stillborn.

Then one of my squadmates noticed something, and pointed it out to me.

There's this little shit we're often assigned to bodyguard. His name's Naruto Uzumaki, he's coming up on ten years old, and he is the Konohagakure's favourite punch-bag because of some shit that went down the day he was born. A nine-tailed kitsune went on the rampage, wasted a hell of a lot of Konohagakure, almost annihilated our master's family, and was only stopped by my sensei (also my brother-in-law and the finest man I've ever known) sacrificing his entire life-force in a ritual I don't know the details of. Next day, in one of the worst shows of judgement I've ever seen, my boss turned up in front of the entire Konohagakure clan, bearing a blonde baby, and proclaimed the poor little shit to contain the damned kitsune.

Wise move, Sarutobi. Real wise move. Tell me, did you want the little shit to be senselessly murdered by some vengeance-obsessed whacknut, or are you really that dim?

So, after one of the med staff was caught feeding the little shit baby food liberally spiced with powdered lead and ground glass, three ANBU units were assigned to watch the little shit - mine included.

Looking back, I can't believe it took me so long to notice. I guess, as one of the little shit's what-passed-for parental figures, I was too close to really stand back and take a long hard look at him. Of course, it took Vulture to work it out - in fact, I have a feeling she knew from the word go, she was always unnecessarily vicious about protecting the little shit. Then she goes and takes a fifty-cal Browning bullet for him, and told us while in the process of snuffing it. Damnit, I'm going to miss the bloody-minded old cow.

I could hardly believe my ears, and that was when I compared a childhood photograph of Minato to Naruto.

The little shit's the spitting image of his dad. Hell, when I stopped and thought, I realised he acts almost exactly like a juvenile version of Minato. He's decidedly more cynical (beneath that hyper-cheerful exterior of his, boy oh boy did he listen when I told him a ninja must never let anyone know how competent he is, the little shit makes me proud) but that isn't surprising considering he's basically been raised by black-ops soldiers. I know we've all got photos of special moments with our 'ANBU brat' on our safehouse walls; for me, it's a photo of his first time with a gun. Damn he was so chuffed about getting his hands on that Kalashnikov and popping a few targets down the range; the little shit loved every moment.

Just like his dad. Exactly like his dad.

As soon as I realised the truth, I went around telling everyone I reckoned needed to know - the rest of us ANBUs for a start, then the best of the Konohagakure jonins - then I walked up to Sarutobi and straight-out asked him why the Hell he didn't tell me. Fuck sake, the little shit's family. He's the only family I've got left. Well, apart from my wife - an Amazon warrior called Xian Long, it's a long story - and I haven't seen my wife in years. Last I knew she was preggers, and I don't even know the resultant sprog's birthday - or if said sprog even lived long enough to have one. I wish I knew whether I've got a son or a daughter, but I don't and there's a good chance I never will.

So anyway, after I was done blowing my lid, the boss smiled grimly, pointed out the way the Iwagakure would react to discovering Minato had a living heir, and added that I couldn't be forced to tell anything I didn't know. He then ordered me to keep it to myself, especially from Naruto, and added that the same applied to anyone I'd told.

Good thing he left a few loopholes there. He didn't forbid me from hinting. Naruto deserves to know, goddamnit, regardless of what Sarutobi says.

So, yeah. Family's very important to me - I don't exactly have a hell of a lot of it - and I'm damned if I'm leaving my sister's only child to be crapped on the way Naruto's been crapped on. That's why I'm volunteering for Jonin sensei duty - and that's why I won't be passing any team that hasn't got my nephew on it. I don't need to fuck around with the half-witted sociopaths Murder Academy churns out, and I plan on making it very clear to Sarutobi.

Aha. There's my target. Take a good look around you, motherfucker. It's the last sight you'll ever see.

A lot of my peers hate the Vintorez. It's weird, unusual, distinctive, and behaves in a bizarre manner. The bullets arc downwards very rapidly - at this range I'm on the scope's uppermost chevron - and the ammo is, unless you're pals with well-connected Russians, a right bastard to get hold of. Me, I love this gun; the loudest sound it makes is the click as the bolt closes, I've got some KGB (these days, Russian Mafia) pals who'll gladly keep me in ammo and spares for as long as I'll give them new unmarked Yen with non-sequential serial numbers, and when I use this baby to eliminate a target, the press (and most of the cops) immediately point the finger at the Kremlin. It's win-win for me and my neo-Soviet buddies; for me, attention gets diverted away from us ninjas, and for my vodka-swilling friends, attention gets diverted towards Gorbachev's lot. I love a deal where everyone wins.

A gentle squeeze of the trigger. The Vintores jolts and, with a muted pop, spits a sizeable lump of lead; there's a faint tinkle as the cartridge hits the brass catcher, and the familiar click of the bolt closing; a second later, my target has a little round hole in his forehead while the back half of his head liberally spreads itself across the side of a car. People are running and screaming down below; it's time I was someplace else. My squadmate Panther will deal with retrieving the slug, even though it's merely a matter of form this time out - this time not even the AD Police (that's Tokyo Advanced Police Department, as a fluent speaker of English I've often wondered at the weird pseudo-English nicknames my countrymen give to otherwise sensibly-named things) will find any evidence, in fact they'll make a point of failing to find any evidence, because they know as well as I do that my shot just finished avenging the murder of an AD Police detective's wife; if we hadn't taken the law into our own hands, the fuzz would've arranged a viciously successful accident.

But better a ninja did it. It's neater that way. No unnecessary casualties. No evidence. No bullet, no residues, no cartridge case, no bootprints, no tire marks - nothing but a worthless bastard with his brains splashed all over the side of his car. That's what I got involved for; nobody else should suffer for that bastard's crimes, and with a bit of help from my squad I just made that a certainty.

My name is Kakashi Hatake, it's June 12th 1994, and I'm the very _model _of a modern Jonin ninja.

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_As a young boy chasing Dragons _

_With your wooden swords so mighty_

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**Disclaimer: Beware of the Fox. He'll put wasabi in your tofu.**

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**A Doghead13 / United Galaxies fanfic**

**Written & produced by Calum J 'Doghead13' Wallace**

**Preread by Kuro_Neko**

**Aided and abetted by the denizens of Caer Azkaban**

**Brought to you by Hairy Scottish Git Productions, GMBH**

**This is not a drill.**

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**Chapter 1: In the Beginning, there was Ninjas.**

**(In which our heroes become a Genin team)**

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- Two Years Later -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

There were always foxes watching him. Sometimes they had more than one tail.

He made a bit of a game of it - seeing if he could spot the fox, seeing if he could count the tails - and in a way he reckoned it was good practice. Besides, he'd noticed a while back that the days he saw foxes with more than one tail tended to be good days.

The most tails he'd ever seen on a fox was eight. That had been a really good day - the day the Hokage told him he was getting into the Academy.

The high point of a life. Feh, thinking that made him feel like an old fart, and that was one thing he wasn't. He was a street rat, a gutter kid, free in the urban jungle like the foxes that watched him; he knew the back-alleys and fire escapes, the sewer lines and underground lines - he knew them as well as he knew the back of his hand. From the dingy apartment block that he called home with it's cast of junkies, hookers and gang members, to the glass and concrete canyons of Shinjuku, from the old defence tunnels that riddled the bowels of the city to the rooftops of the skyscrapers, the city was his territory, from the mean streets in the docklands where the Russian mob landed drugs and guns to the glitzy casinos where Yakuzas hoarded their millions, he knew every square inch, every back street, every short-cut, every rooftop; Tokyo was his city, his stomping ground. He spent his days at the Academy hidden away in Nerima, learning to be a ninja, and he spent the rest of his time prowling the hidden places of that sprawling metropolis with the foxes, joyriding cars, picking pockets, jumping trains and occasionally finding a nice corner in which to hole up and down a few beers snatched from an off-license.

His favourite rooftop by far was the roof of the generator house at the bottom of the Family's compound. It backed onto a railway line, to the left of it was the small lake where the Mistress used to keep her pet crocodiles (and there was still a handful of crocs in there, Australian salties, or so he'd heard; he'd certainly seen them often enough. These days they were an execution method for the worst traitors.) and to the right the lawn stretched out past the Hokage monument along the back wall of the Kuno estate. From time to time, grown-up ninjas would meet up on top of the generator house for hushed discussions, their words hidden by the rumble of diesel below them, and unless it was the ANBU-sans (the only people that he really trusted who weren't Old Man Hokage or Ichiraku or Sergey down at the Russian mob's place) he'd slip away over the wall and down the railway line, jump a freight train, and spend most of the rest of the night working his way home by stolen car and roof of truck.

But right now, Naruto Uzumaki was starting to get highly annoyed.

Truth be told, he was more than a little hyperactive, and long periods of inactivity – such as this – really got on his nerves. He'd learned, over the years, to sit still and silent (it was the keystone of the Art of Invisibility) but he only did so when strictly necessary, such as when setting up a prank or hiding from the prank victims, or of course the owners of shops he'd shoplifted from.

Okay, so last night had felt like a prank. Especially after he had a quiet word with his pals in ANBU, who'd turned the whole deal into a sting operation. He'd been bang on the button – it was bullshit and the Hokage hadn't had a damn clue what Mizuki was trying.

Feh. Two good things had come out of that night – one was getting to screw over someone who'd tried to put one over him, the other was putting one over the Hokage by getting a good clear photograph of one page of the so-called 'forbidden scroll', in actual fact an enormous great book, when the Hokage got it out to make a fake copy. He'd known that concealed camera in his old goggles had been a good investment. The other photograph he'd got had been a total bust – whatever that 'neko-ken' thingy was supposed to do, Naruto was damn sure he wasn't going there.

After the bust, he'd spent half the night working on the technique on that page. It'd turned out to be pretty easy stuff – he wasn't really sure why it'd been listed as a 'forbidden' technique. Maybe because it took a bunch of chakra; not like he didn't have plenty enough to go round.

So the Konohagakure had their Yellow Flash up until when that Fourth Hokage bastard cooked his goose. Well, now they'd got an Orange Avalanche. He was pretty sure that god-damned Mizuki's yik-yak was how and why summoning over two thousand clones of himself didn't pose him a big problem. It seemed like the shit that Fourth Hokage bastard had landed him in had it's up side after all.

Kyuubi, huh? Suddenly all the shit the grown-ups spewed added up, and it came to a grand total of 'Fuckheads'. The bastards could Kyuubi on fucking this, Naruto knew for damn sure that the only person driving in his head was Naruto; the fuckers could take a number because he'd had it up to the back teeth with their bullshit and he wasn't playing any more. He was getting tired of using paint mines and flour bombs to fire warning shots – stupid bastards should realise that the ability to pinch every item of underwear in a house in the middle of the night, drape them all over town, and get away with it Scot-free until he started laughing his ass off and clued the morons in with his snide remarks meant he was perfectly capable of planting enough explosives to turn that very same house into a dirty great smoking hole in the ground, or just putting a knife in each person, but oh no, they didn't have even enough brains to make that remarkably simple leap of reasoning. Jeez, Old Man Hokage said he oughtta treat family heads like that Hiashi Hyuuga dude with respect, but how could he respect someone that pants-on-head retarded given that he'd had to patiently explain to the white-eyed moron that glueing lots of Hyuuga tighty-whities to the Hokage Monument was a way of pointing out that their security sucked dick, he could walk in any time he liked, and if their posers decided to kick him around again he'd be forced to turn the lot of them into a pile of stupid dead fuck rotting somewhere in a ditch.

Man, where the Hell was this Kakashi Hatake dude? Usually, when Iruka said something would happen 'shortly', he meant within the next five to ten minutes. Apparently, where this Kakashi person was involved, 'shortly' meant 'sometime in the next week or two'; they'd already been waiting for two hours.

He'd tuned out Sakura's rabbitting on at Sasuke about an hour ago, maybe a quarter hour after Sasuke resolutely turned his Walkman up, and about half an hour ago he'd set up a rudimentary booby-trap on top of the only door in, using a bent senbon to jam a chalkboard eraser in such a way the eraser would drop when the door was opened. If this Kakashi Hatake dude was stupid enough to boot a door open and saunter straight into a room containing ninjas, Naruto would know not to respect the dumb shit.

A surprised sounding grunt in Sasuke's voice attracted his attention; he scooted round in his seat, saw the direction the bastard was staring in, and looked over there.

There was a large, extremely healthy-looking eight-tailed fox sitting on the windowsill and looking straight at Naruto. He stuck his tongue out at the fox; the fox grinned, winked, and started looking extremely smug in a vulpine sort of a way.

The door banged open. Naruto whipped his head back round (as did Sasuke, who also pulled his earphones out) and was disappointed (but not hugely surprised) to see the chalkboard eraser hadn't hit anyone; instead, the door was stood wide open with no sign of anyone being there.

Sasuke was just letting out a frustrated noise (while Naruto swore loudly, gotta keep the façade up) when the man stepped in. The man considered the eraser for a moment, rolled his sole visible eye, and proceeded into the room.

OK dude, you just earned yourself a bit of respect.

He was tall, certainly by Asian standards - about six three in all. His hair - a ragged, spiky mane - was chalk-white and reminded Naruto of an ANBU he used to know, and his skin was nearly as pale; you could have called him an albino if his solitary visible eye hadn't been blue-grey. He was dressed in a traditional ninja's forehead protector (marked with the leaf symbol of the Konohagakure) a traditional ninja's half-mask, black battledress trousers, a short-sleeved shirt, fingerless shooter's mitts, combat boots, and a tactical vest; there was some unfamiliar kind of M4 variant slung over his back.

Nice gun, man. And, again, oddly familiar.

"Hi." the man said. "You're Team Seven, right? Well, I'm your Jonin sensei, and I'm not impressed."

Fuckhead.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura screeched, causing Naruto and Sasuke to wince.

"I intend to be late for my own funeral. Meet me on the roof of the generator house immediately."

With that, the Jonin vanished into thin air.

"Funny." Naruto mused. "He reminds me of someone I usta know."

"Why'd you try some stupid joke on our sensei, Naruto?" Sakura complained.

Naruto gave her a you-moron look and fished a Claymore mine out of his jumpsuit.

"Coz if he was dumb enough to get got by that, he'd be dumb enough to get got by this."

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_You're St. George or you're David and _

_You always killed the beast_

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Sasuke Uchiha dubiously contemplated the duo he was apparently to be teamed with. The fangirl (he'd never bothered learning any of his unwanted fangirls' names) was twittering away about something which he was utterly ignoring, aided by the bellow of Kid Rock on his Walkman at my-ears-hurt volume, while the dead-last as per usual looked a bit like a pile of lurid rubbish slung up against the back of a desk.

A fangirl and a street rat. When he could have been teamed with REAL ninjas like that Abarume guy or the Hyuuga girl. Sasuke found himself wondering exactly what the hell he'd done to deserve this, then started ruthlessly crushing the desire to turn it into a mope; instead, he turned his attention to glowering out the window.

He was promptly startled to notice a large, sleek, extremely healthy-looking fox was stood on the windowsill, fixedly watching the three of them with it's wild black eyes, eight tails wafting idly in the wind behind it... wait a minute, eight tails?"

He took a closer look. The animal was unusually large, and sure wasn't acting like any fox. It seemed to notice his gaze, and it's lips peeled back from it's teeth in a remarkably human grin, and then it _winked at him_.

No, it wasn't winking at him. It was winking past him, and a quick scan around showed him that the multi-tailed fox was winking in response to an insulting gesture from the dobe.

What in the name of...?

And that was when the door finally opened, causing him to whip back round and pull his earphones out. It ground all the way over with a horrible creak of hinges; the chalkboard eraser the dobe had left atop it fell to the floor, letting out a great puff of chalk dust, and then... well, nothing happened.

The trio of newly-minted genins dropped out of their 'You're-finally-here' stance with a collective groan and a lot of swearing from Naruto, then glared at the door; Sasuke glanced back at the fox, and had to wonder if he'd imagined it in the first place as it was gone.

Glancing back, he found himself looking at a reasonably familiar face. He'd read up on all the 'big-name' ninjas in the village because way back before THAT, his dad had repeatedly told him it paid to be well-informed. His attempts to become reasonably well-informed meant he knew the official history of 'Sharingan' Kakashi Hatake, the Copy-Cat Ninja, and it wasn't like there were a hell of a lot of white-haired Konohakague.

Feh. Three total, on the record, and two of them were dead. Sakumo Hatake, Ayame Hatake, and Kakashi Hatake – a father and his two children. Only one survivor – the white-haired man had to be Kakashi, either that or someone not-listed.

Either way, that was cool as far as Sasuke was concerned. Kakashi Hatake had been the recipient of a transplanted Sharingan eye some years ago, and was listed as closest confidant of a well-known Uchiha, Sasuke's uncle Obito (lucky bastard hadn't had to live to see what Itachi did, alright for some) so chances were he could fill the gaps. And if it wasn't Kakashi Hatake, then it was someone whose identity had been concealed and thus was presumably among the best of the best of the best.

Either way, _score_.

"Hi." the man said. "You're Team Seven, right? Well, I'm your Jonin sense, and I'm not impressed."

The fangirl screamed at the man for being late, making Sasuke's head hurt. Jeez, not just a fangirl, but a loud and idiotic fangirl too.

"I intend to be late for my own funeral. Meet me on the roof of the generator house immediately."

With that, the presumable Hatake vanished into thin air.

"Funny." The dobe said. "He reminds me of someone I usta know."

"Why'd you try some stupid joke on our sensei, Naruto?" the fangirl whined.

The dobe made an expression that just screamed 'Durrr!' and fished a Claymore mine out of his jumpsuit.

"Coz if he was dumb enough to get got by that, he'd be dumb enough to get got by this."

Sasuke shook his head slightly, momentarily wondering how he fit that bloody great thing up there, then figured it was probably in a storage seal.

He had to hand it to the dobe – that wasn't so bad.

"What, hey, how'd you fit that thing in there?" The fangirl complained.

The dobe snorted, tucking it away.

"What, never heard of a storage seal?" He said, confirming Sasuke's suspicion.

It was also pretty evident that the dobe was a good deal stronger than he looked. The way he'd winged that Claymore around with one hand... those things were as solid as a rock.

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_Times change very quickly_

_And you had to grow up fast_

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A few minutes had passed in silence after the trio of newly-minted Genins had scrambled onto the roof of the old generator house. Out of the three, only Naruto had been up here before – the pile of drinks cans and folded-up crisp packets in the corner by the exhaust stack were detritus from his many visits.

Other than that exhaust stack, the pair of ventilation grilles, an air intake for the engine, and the low wall around the lip of the flat roof, it was pretty much featureless.

It backed onto the Seibu Ikebukuro commuter railway line, making it an ideal location for jumping trains as, when they passed that point, trains were either accelerating away from the nearby Nerima station, or slowing to make their stop at same.

On the other side, maybe twenty feet away and surrounded by a safety fence was the artificial lake in which the Mistress used to keep her collection of pet crocodiles – Australian salties – half a dozen of which were still in residence. These days they remained as a method of executing traitors; if Itachi Uchiha or Orochimaru were ever caught, they'd end their days in the crocodile pond, and Mizuki would be thrown in there in the dead of the night in a few days time, once Ibiki Morino had got done interrogating the bastard.

To the left, the neatly-kept lawns stretched towards the back of the mansion, studded with orderly patterns of ornamental plants and tidy hedges; to the right were further stretches of lawn and the Hokage Monument, four massive granite sculptures in the likeness of the faces of the four men who had, thus far, served as Hokage of the Konohagakure. Each was the size of a large car and weighed a good few tons; they'd been carved in-situ from solid rock drawn up and into place by one of the clan's few rock-element users.

On the whole, it was an excellent place for ninjas to meet in privacy. From here, nobody could approach within a hundred yards without being observed, and the roar of the diesel engines below made eavesdropping a moot point.

Kakashi considered the trio of students.

First there was Naruto's ever-familiar cheery face. Naruto was a touch short for his age, and slightly stocky with it. His bright blonde hair stood up in an unruly shock, and his sky-blue eyes glimmered with mischief and a sharp but carefully-concealed intelligence as he lounged, at rest but alert, against one of the air intakes. He was dressed in his usual eye-blasting black-and-orange denim jacket and utility trousers, and had JGSDF combat boots on his feet.

Squatting in a slightly cat-like manner on the low perimeter wall was Sasuke Uchiha. He was noticeably taller than Naruto and just starting on his way to that lanky and slightly awkward teenage stage where young men become mostly composed of limb. His jet-black hair was hacked off in a rough bob – probably done himself, probably using a knife – and he had a look of sullen anger on his face, compounded by those dark eyes that, in the right light, Kakashi knew would look yellow and faintly cat-like. He was clad in black denim jeans, hiking boots, and a black-and-grey bomber jacket.

Third, there was Sakura, who'd seated herself on the wall as close to Sasuke as she dared, which wasn't very. Her extraordinary pale pink hair was currently tied back in a loose ponytail, and she looked downright worried – but then, from what he'd seen of her, she usually did. She was dressed in a blood-red padded fleece, black cycle shorts, and hiking boots; oddly, she was the tallest of the lot. She'd be tall for her age by American standards.

None of the three looked the least bit like a ninja, to which Kakashi gave an inward smile of approval. It was Naruto's father who'd first said it to him; for a ninja, looking like a ninja is the sort of mistake that gets people killed.

"Let's get acquainted." He finally said. "Each of you tell everyone a little about yourself - likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams, that kind of stuff."

"You go first." Sasuke grunted.

Kakashi immediately proceeded to be as evasive as possible. "Hmm. Well, I'm Kakashi. I like some things, dislike other. I.. have a few hobbies. My dreams are private. Okay, you next, Blonde And Hyper."

Sasuke rolled his eyes slightly while Sakura made put-out noises about the limited amount of information Kakashi had given them; the world-weary Joinin smirked inwardly. They'd learn.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto boisterously declared, seemingly oblivious to what was going on, though Kakashi noted a momentary sharp look from the blonde demon container. "I like ramen, orange things, Old Man Hokage, fast cars that don't have those electronic immobiliser thingies, Ichiraku-san, explosions, the ANBU-sans, those neat corners of the city hardly anyone knows about especially the old defence tunnels, guns that're small enough to hide under your jacket, Iruka-niisan, foxes especially the sort with lots of tails, Ayame-neechan, booby-traps, ANBU-Hound-san - he's the best! dragon's breath shotgun cartridges, and pranking people so I know I could've waxed them if I'd really been trying! I dislike the three minutes it takes to cook ramen, people who're too stupid to realise that flour bombs could've been Semtex, snobs, cars with those electronic immobiliser thingies, jerks, freight trains that go too fast to jump onto, people who screw my friends around, and idiots who hate people for something they can't control! My hobbies are blowing things up, eating ramen, hanging out with the ANBU-sans, doing things that annoy stupid people, exploring Tokyo, inventing booby-traps, seeing how fast I can take a street without breaking the car, shooting stuff, learning awesome new jutsus, and getting Old Man Hokage to laugh! My dream is to steal Old Man Hokage's job!"

Sasuke gave Naruto a side-on slitty-eyed look that Kakashi found shockingly familiar. He'd seen that look before, in a mirror, when he started to realise just how canny Obito had actually been.

"Okay, you're up, Pink And Blank." Kakashi said, nodding to Sakura.

"I'm Sakura Harano." she said, visibly infuriated at Kakashi's description of her. "I like air rifles and..." here she went a bit pink and glanced at Sasuke. "I dislike Ino-pig, people who pick on foundlings, noisy idiots," (here she meaningfully glanced at Naruto) "and lazy people. My hobbies are flower arranging, skeet shooting, and, well..." another blush and glance at Sasuke, while Kakashi filled that under 'annoying the Uchiha'. "And my dream is, well..." another glance at Sasuke. "I... guess I kinda want a family."

"Riiight." Kakashi deadpanned. "OK, Dark And Sulking, your turn."

Sasuke gave him an unpleasant look. "I am Sasuke Uchiha." he said. "I like heavy weapons and my privacy. I dislike loudmouthed clowns with no sense of camouflage, stupid fangirls who insist they know everything about me when they don't even know how many siblings I had, lazy bastards who can't be bothered turning up on time for supposedly-important appointments, and talking about myself. My hobbies are the very few things that interest me. Dreams... I don't have dreams. I have goals. My goal is to dance on a certain worthless fuck's grave, and rebuild my family."

"Right, now we're more or less introduced, on with the show." Kakashi said. "Let's answer a few questions for each other, eh? We can take it in turns, each of us picks one question to ask each of the others; I'd prefer it if everyone answers, but if it's too personal, don't feel forced to. I'll go first... Sakura, what's with the pink hair?"

"It's natural." Sakura explained, going a shade that matched her hair. "I guess it's a hereditary mutation, but I'm not sure. Pretty crappy bloodline, huh? I've thought about dying it black from time to time, but never got around to it. I figure I can cover it with a hat on missions."

"Interesting." Kakashi said, nodding. "OK then, Naruto, why is it you conceal what you're really capable of?"

Naruto blinked, then burst out laughing.

"BWAHAHAHA! Can't put one past you, eh? It's coz of something an ANBU I usta know once told me. Never let anyone but your friends know what you're really capable of."

Kakashi nodded. His question had essentially been hot air; he'd been that ANBU. Sakura looked a bit confused, while Sasuke gave Naruto a side-on measuring look.

Their reactions gave an answer to Kakashi's real question; what, if anything, did Sasuke and Sakura know of what Naruto was really capable of?

"True. Sasuke, do you ever intend to share the facts of your personal target with your team-mates?"

Sasuke didn't reply for a few moments, then frowned a bit.

"I only tell people I trust." he growled.

Kakashi nodded. He had to give the kid that one – the Uchiha massacre wasn't exactly the sort of thing you'd discuss with passing acquaintances. "Wise. Okay, why don't you take a turn asking each of us questions then, Sasuke?"

Sasuke nodded, glared at the roof they were sitting on for a moment, then asked Kakashi, "Why were you so late?"

"Well, technically, I wasn't." Kakashi explained, shrugging. "There wasn't a stated time for the meet-up. Besides, first off I wasn't joking when I said I fully intend to be late for my own funeral, and second off I spent the two hours you were waiting watching from across the street; I wanted to see how patient you all are. In a combat situation, almost infinite patience is required; there are going to be operations that require you to wait and watch, unseen, for days – weeks even – before you make your move."

Sasuke accepted that with a grunt and nod, then sat there thinking.

"Hey dobe." he eventually said. "Why orange?"

By way of a reply, Naruto crouched down, grabbed the tabs round the legs of his trousers, and pulled; with the sound of Velcro unfastening, the orange parts came off, leaving a set of slightly battered nondescript black cargo trousers. He stuffed the orange panels into his jacket pockets, pulled his jacket off, turned it inside out, and put it back on, revealing it to be double-sided – the underside being JGSDF camouflage patterned, with a hood, which Naruto pulled up; the hood had a furry rim to it, some sort of black and startlingly hair-like stuff that completely concealed his blonde locks.

"Bingo; instant disguise." he said. "It were somethin' an ANBU I usta know once said. Get a distinctive look you can change real fast, and look that way so often when people see you not looking that way they dunno who you are. This and some face-paint and maybe sunnies, and hardly anyone's gonna realise who I am." Kakashi smiled, very aware that the ANBU in question was in fact Kakashi. He wore his half-mask all the time for the exact same reason. One jug of black temp dye and whip the mask off, swap the hitae-ite for an eye-patch, and boom, identity is now concealed.

"I see." Sasuke muttered, then lapsed into silence again.

"Hey." he (at long last) said. "Pinky. What was my mother's name?"

Sakura blinked, very visibly not having expected anything like that.

"I... don't know." she admitted.

Sasuke snorted and lapsed into silence yet again.

Bored of the resulting awkward pause, Kakashi turned to Naruto.

"OK, your turn blondie." he said.

Naruto responded by flashing a couple of ANBU hand-signs at him; roughly, they translated as, 'Fox here, anyone else?'

Kakashi narrowed his visible eye a bit, then smiled and flashed back, 'Hound on-station.' The kid really was smarter than he let on; but then, it wasn't like Kakashi had been taking great pains to prevent Naruto realising where he was familiar from, and he'd expect no less from their ANBU brat. They'd trained him as well as they could.

Naruto pulled his hood back, revealing his bright blonde hair again and making his wide foxy grin easily visible, and asked, "Where've you _been_? I missed you."

"I resigned shortly after you entered the academy; I've been doing classified long-range stuff for the main part since." Kakashi told him. "I've missed you too, you cheeky little shit."

Naruto nodded, grin still firmly in place.

"It's good to have you back." he said.

"Let's get on with the questions, eh brat?"

"Sure thing, Sensei. Oi, Sasuke, why'd ya ask Sakura that?"

Sasuke blinked, caught flat-footed like he'd caught Sakura.

"Hnn?" he asked.

"Why'd you ask Sakura what your mom's name is?"

"Just checking something." Sasuke grunted with a shrug.

Naruto shrugged, accepting that for now.

"Oi, Sakura." he said. "How come you dunno if your hair's like an inherited colour? Wouldn't like your mum or dad or something have like pink hair if it was inherited?"

Sakura flinched, glared at him, and snapped, "How would I know? I don't even know who my parents are anyway! I'm a foundling, dammit!"

"... Oh. Um, sorry – I didn't know that."

"... s'ok, I guess."

"Right-ho, well, moving on, Sakura, it's your turn."

"... okay." Sakura thought for a bit. "Um, Sasuke-kun... what is your mother's name?"

"Mitoko." Sasuke said. "Mitoko Uchiha."

"... thanks."

Kakashi was starting to wonder how many awkward silences they were going to get today.

"Sensei, how are Genin teams assembled?" Sakura asked.

Kakashi hadn't expected that.

"Well, it's a series of time-honoured rituals." he told her. "It starts off the evening after the graduation ceremony, at which stage the class teacher for the graduating class makes recommendation to us as to who he thinks would make good teams, which we mainly ignore. While you kids are prancing around with your nice new hitae-ita, we all get abominably drunk and play poker. The winner of each hand gets to pick a student, up to a total of three students per Jonin. When that's done and we're all well lubricated, we have an intense session of bargaining back and forth, trading students around and picking punch-ups until we've each got roughly the team we wanted. Then the next morning while we're all hung over, the Hokage comes down, shitcans most of our choices, and lays down the law about who gets what student, which we all argue fervently with. There's always a lot of last-minute changes, and if a Jonin can give the Hokage a good enough argument as to why the teams should be different, the Hokage might listen if someone bribes him enough. After that, we all get slightly drunk again while the Hokage goes back up to his office and arranges all the teams how he sees fit, whereupon he sends the team assignments to the class teacher, who shuffles a few students when he thinks a team really won't work. It's all very technical. Typically, a Jonin sensei has no idea what team he'll be getting until he walks in the door."

".... Oh." Sakura said, obviously not quite sure whether she believed him, which he took some private amusement in; everything he'd told her was true, though it was of course not the whole truth. She thought about that for a few moments, then asked Naruto, "Where do you know Sensei from?"

"You know that ANBU I usta know I keep saying about?" Naruto said.

"What, this ANBU Hound person you're always going on about how great is?"

"Yeah, him."

"What about him?"

Naruto pointed at Kakashi.

"He's sittin' right there."

"... oh."

"Of course, that is confidential information." Kakashi pointed out. "ANBU identities are classified, and former ANBU identities are controlled."

All three Genins nodded.

"Good." Kakashi said. "Now that we're all more-or-less introduced, I suppose you're wondering what happens next and why you've heard two-thirds of all graduating Genins end up shunted back to the Academy anyway." Hmm, he'd said that first part before. Oh well.

"The thought had crossed my mind." Sasuke snarked.

Kakashi nodded.

"Well, that's completely true." He nudged the pile of three wooden crates with his boot.

"These are reproduction weapons." he said. "Made by Systema, unlike most of their ilk they're actually designed for firearms training. They look, feel, and handle much like an M4 carbine, but fire small plastic pellets in place of lead slugs. These pellets - known as BB's - travel at a distinctly non-lethal velocity. It may sound positively useless, but not only are they fun to tool around with, they're also an effective training weapon. With these, you can shoot at each other while knowing you won't do anything permanent - and the fact that the hits sting like a bitch is a good incentive not to get hit."

He paused again, waiting while the trio gave him startled looks.

"Graduating from Konoha Academy of Ninjutsu - otherwise known as Murder Academy - is simply proof that you are capable enough to become ninjas. But, as yet, not one of you has truly proven his or her self to be truly worthy of serving our masters. A ninja must be many things; we must be a protector as much as we must be a killer, we must search for hard data on our enemies and the enemies of our masters as much as we must prevent the enemy from retrieving hard data on ourselves and our masters; our goals must become those of our masters, and although we are in some ways tools, the very fact that we are highly-trained people is what makes us useful as tools; there is very little indeed that makes a weapon more powerful than human intelligence and courage. At this moment, the three of you are presented with a chance to prove yourselves worthy of becoming ninjas, and as of this moment that chance has begun. To win the right to be my genin team, you must tag me with at least one BB-gun shot sometime within the next seven days. Thing of it as a simulation of an assassination mission; I am your target, and those toys on the floor in front of Sakura are your weapons. The only way you'll pull the job off is if you're suited to function as a ninja team – and remember, look underneath the underneath! Good luck, kids. You'll need it."

And, with that, he vanished, leaving the package behind; in reality, he'd simply cloaked himself in a Jonin-rated version of the Art of Invisibility.

Sasuke acted first. He rose to his feet, headed for the package, ripped into it, and found three toy boxes each emblazoned with lurid pictures of an M4 carbine.

Tearing into one, he removed the gun and examined it's accessories; a battery, a charger, a magazine, a bottle of little round white plastic pellets, a cleaning rod, and a manual; he handed the manual to Sakura, placed the rest on the ground, tore into the second box, unearthed it's contents, handed that manual to Naruto. and retrieved a third copy of the manual from the third box.

"The battery goes in the underside of the weapon's foregrip." he said. "Before the weapon can function, the battery must be charged. Uzumaki, it's a fair assumption you know how to find and follow a target. Locate Kakashi and identify his daily routine and usual hangouts. Harano. Get these batteries charged and identify the differences between using these simulations and using a real Colt M4. Both of you meet me back here at 0900 hours tomorrow; don't be late. I'll be locating communications systems and related protocols for each of us, and we'll identify ambush points once we're all prepared. That clear?"

The other two nodded, somewhat taken aback; Sasuke returned the nod, and leapt down off the roof.

"Man, what's eating him?" Naruto mused.

Sakura shrugged, and hastened away, collecting the airsoft guns and their related bits and pieces before she went.

Naruto sprawled back against the exhaust stack, watching the other two slip away, then glanced over at Kakashi.

"You can come out now, Hound." he said.

Chuckling, Kakashi reappeared.

"Smug little bugger." he said, sitting down on the roof beside Naruto. "How'd you spot me?"

"Vulture-san taught me to spot ninjas doin' that cloaking thing ages back." Naruto explained with an offhanded shrug. "Man, I really miss Vulture."

"We all do, kid. We all do."

"So, how long d'you think I oughtta take before I let Sasuke-bastard know I know your safehouses?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi gave him a surprised side-on look, then mentally chided himself. Since Naruto had started attending the Academy, he'd found himself backsliding to treating Naruto like an ordinary Genin rather than the ANBU brat.

"Look, Naruto," he began, causing the blonde prankster to lose the tricky grin and straighten up – as Hound, he'd only ever used Naruto's name when deadly serious; for the moment, they weren't Kakashi and his student Naruto, they were ANBU Hound and Fox the ANBU brat. "ANBU's worried about Sasuke. He's been unstable since the massacre; until we know otherwise for certain, he's a potential security threat. I'll use ANBU safehouse N-fifteen for the next week. Let them know the location and layout at the rendezvous tomorrow. Include all trap locations and the buffering layouts. We need Sasuke to begin trusting you as soon as possible."

Naruto nodded, remaining serious.

"I won't betray him unless he betrays us first, Pops." he said.

Kakashi smiled under his mask. Naruto had always called him that when it was his turn to train the kid. He took it as a compliment, and always would – Naruto only ever came up with irreverent nicknames for people he liked and respected.

"Glad to hear it, kid. Glad to hear it."

They sat there in silence for a few moments, and then Kakashi asked, "What do you think of Sasuke, brat?"

"He's all pissed off at the world an' ain't got nowhere to cut loose." Naruto said. "Not sure if I could take him in a straight-up fight, he's pretty good, but I'm sneakier'n him."

Kakashi nodded. "Well, that confirms one of my suspicions... Look, I've gotta scarper; I'm just coming up on an hour late for today's Jonin meeting. Catch you later, OK?"

"Yeah, don't be a stranger huh?" Naruto said, nodding.

Kakashi nodded, rested his hand on Naruto's shoulder for a moment, and then slipped away.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_A house in smoking ruins_

_And the bodies at your feet_

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Sasuke Sarutobi, Third Hokage of the Konohagakure, was currently somewhat nonplussed, because Hiashi Hyuuga - quiet, stoic, soft-spoken Hiashi Hyuuga, model of decorum - had just come storming into his office, slammed both hands down on his desk (sending paperwork everywhere) and snarled in a most un-Hiashilike voice, "_Why the Hell didn't you tell me_?"

"... I beg your pardon?" the Hokage mildly asked.

Hiashi was visibly seething, and threw a pair of photographs down on Sarutobi's desk.

They were Konohagakure ninja graduation photographs. One was Naruto Uzumaki's. The other was Minato Namikaze's.

And, aside from Naruto's facial markings and orange jumpsuit, they were _completely identical_.

"Why," Hiashi repeated, "The Hell. Didn't you **tell me**?"

Sarutobi let out a quiet sigh.

"You're correct, Hiashi. The lad's birth name is indeed Naruto Shinra Namikaze. As to why I didn't tell you... Hiashi, up until two years ago there were a grand total of three people who knew; myself, Morino Ibiki, and your cousin Saenae. When Saenae took a fifty-cal round for Naruto, she spent her last breath telling her squadmates who the lad they'd been assigned to protect really is; does the fact he's had three ANBU squads protecting him his entire life make sense now? Naruto is indeed Minato's heir; and how do you think the Iwakagure would react to the knowledge that 'Konoha's Yellow Flash' had a living heir? And, if he had been accompanied from birth by a Hyuuga, how long do you think it would have taken the Iwakagure to work it out? And why do you think there's a Hyuuga on each of the ANBU teams who've been detailed to protect - and, incidentally, raise - Naruto?"

Hiashi let out a sigh and sat down, obviously relieved but at the same time frustrated.

"I suppose poor Saenae came to the same conclusion." he said. Sarutobi nodded glumly.

"I don't know; I didn't know she'd worked it out until Kakashi came storming in here and demanded I explain why I hadn't told him."

"What's the young Namikaze to him?" Hiashi asked.

"Aside from the fact Minato was his sensei, Akemi Namikaze's maiden name was Hatake." Sarutobi stated. "Naruto is Kakashi's only known living relative."

"... Ah. Blood is thicker than water... Sarutobi-san, why didn't you explain to me? Why didn't you tell me your line of reasoning? I have loyally served the Namikaze line since the day I was born; don't you think I'd have come to the same conclusion as you, and acted accordingly? Gods, don't you have any idea how I felt about all this? Seven hundred years my family have served the Namikazes - seven hundred years of unswerving loyalty! Gods, man! My ancestor swore that the Namikaze line would last as long as a Hyuuga still drew breath - don't you have the faintest idea how I felt when I thought that oath broken?"

"Hiashi." Sarutobi said. "Remember, your father was my team-mate; don't you ever think this didn't cost me sleep. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but as Minato's friend, and as Hokage of the Konohagakure, it was a decision that fell to me. Perhaps I made the wrong decision; what, you've never fucked up? Congratulations; you're what, forty-three? You made it thirty years and counting longer than me. For twelve years, I've known we'd eventually have this conversation, and, frankly, I held out because I believe I did what is necessary. I already failed Naruto once, when I let the Konohagakure know that Naruto was the Kyuubi's container; I don't plan on failing Minato's son in such a way again. He's a good kid, and someday in the not so distant future he'll be exactly the Hokage we need to pull us into the next millennium - but he's a kid. I and those fifteen ANBU operatives gave him as much of a childhood as we could; the fact he was raised by Konoha's Special Forces means he's been trained by the best since the day he could walk, all of which raises his chance of reaching a ripe old age. That was my goal; I fully intend my next incarnation to know Naruto as Hokage."

Hiashi sighed again, slumping a bit, the furious energy draining out of him. Then he visibly steeled himself, and rose to his feet.

"I see." he said. "I'm afraid I have to withdraw my eldest daughter from active service."

"Why?" Sarutobi asked, even though he already knew the answer; Hiashi had reacted just the way Sarutobi knew he would.

Hyuugas never change.

"Because as of today she will do her duty to her master." Hiashi growled.

"Hiashi." Sarutobi growled, rising to his feet. "Don't do this. Not yet."

The Hyuuga head whirled round, eyes blazing.

"What the devil are you on about, man?" he barked.

"I know what your line's duty to Naruto's line is." The Hokage quietly stated. "But until Kakashi gives us the green light, I don't want to risk the Iwagakure figuring out who Naruto really is."

"So you'd leave the lad without his rightful bodyguard?" Hiashi barked.

"Temporarily, yes." This was nearly enough to flip Hiashi completely over the edge. "For God's sake, calm down, man! Naruto's ANBU bodyguards haven't just been bodyguarding him – they've been training him since he learned to walk. Most of his skills are close to Chuunin level, when he chooses to show what he's really capable of. And you're aware that Kakashi used to be known as ANBU Hound, aren't you?"

Hiashi relaxed slightly.

"I need permission to fill Hinata and her sensei in." he said.

"Granted." Sarutobi replied with a nod.

"Thankyou. Sarutobi, uncle, old friend... I cannot give you more than six months. The Hyuuga Council..." Hiashi grimaced. "They are becoming... _problematic_. Within the next six months, Hinata _must_ begin her duty. Otherwise, I fear I shall lose all control of the family's Council, and that shall mean the Konohagakure losing the Hyuugas. I cannot allow this to happen – not now that I have a master once more."

Sarutobi nodded gravely.

"Understood." he said. "We'll call it a date, then."

Hiashi nodded gravely, and left. Sarutobi watched him go for several long moments, then sighed quietly to himself, pulled out a spare blank scroll, swiftly penned a note in ANBU hieroglyphs (an altered form of kanji, altered simply by assigning different meanings and turning everything upside-down) sealed it with a blob of chakra-charged wax similar to that used by Konohagakure 'breaker teams' to assemble booby-trap fuses, and went and got one of the duty messengers.

The note was pretty simple;

Kakashi -

Hiashi's figured out who the kid really is. We have six months leeway before he reassigns his eldest to serve him, and thereafter it'll only be a matter of time before his father's enemies connect the dots. The kid needs to be ready to take on anything they can throw at him; you're authorised to appropriate assistance from any and every Jonin and ANBU you see fit. Likewise, you're authorised to fill the chosen instructors in on the kid's identity, and access to the Forbidden Scroll is at your discretion.

Don't fuck this one up, Kakashi. He's going to need all the help he can get.

Signed,

Sasuke Sarutobi.

PS – This message will auto-destruct in thirty seconds.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_You'll die as you lived_

_In a flash of a blade_

_In a corner forgotten by no-one_

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"So." Sasuke said.

Visibly worried, Sakura placed three batteries on the wall beside where they'd leant the toy guns. Sasuke nodded.

"Kakashi's over at the big memorial the other end of the gardens right now, or at least he was when I took off to come here." Naruto said with his trademark foxy grin. "He spent a good chunk of yesterday evening playing poker with a bunch of other Jonins and ANBUs at a place on third street, place ain't marked but there's like six ways in, all of 'em concealed - it's a ninja-only bar. Anyway once he got done losing all his money to ANBU-Rabbit-san he headed for his digs, he's got an apartment on the fifth floor two blocks west of Sakura-chan's place, that's three south and one west of the Uchiha compound. It's trapped pretty tight, but I managed to get a couple clones in - the windows are entry points but if you step wrong you're on the receiving end of gunk-net launchers, and there's Claymores on the door and the shitter window. Layout's the same as the apartments below and above, but with a hole knocked through the kitchenette wall into the apartment next door - that's where he's actually living, all it's doors and windows are boarded up and backed with ballistic matting, and there's enough armour on the walls to stop an RPG-7. Oh, and the floors below and above are empty and so full of traps a mouse couldn't move in there without getting splattered. Gotta hand it to him, it's all laid out like a textbook safehouse. I ain't got his routine properly pinned down yet - it's only been one night, after all - but he headed out through the back window at stupid AM, same way as he entered - it's an easy jump to the fire escape - and went straight to the memorial. He's been squatting there staring at it ever since. Oh, and I've got like half a dozen clones keeping an eye on him, they'll lemme know if he heads off."

"Hmm." Sasuke said. "Did he detect you?"

"Nah, my clones don't seem to put off enough of an aura for anyone who ain't a Hyuuga to pick up, and I've always kept my aura shielded by other people's same way as I do when I'm pranking the Hyuugas or the ANBU-sans or Old Man Hokage." Naruto said with a shrug. "I ain't totally sure, but I'm pretty good at sneaking around and getting away from the ANBU-sans when I've pulled a prank, and I don't think he spotted me." When it came down to it, he knew for damn certain Kakashi had spotted him. They'd had a ten-minute chat.

Sasuke nodded, then gave Sakura a sharp look; she jumped slightly, loaded batteries into each of the toy M4's, then handed them round.

"They operate the same as the real thing." she explained. "Their range is lower and they're less accurate – there's a lot more windage – and they don't recoil, but that's about it."

Aware Sasuke was watching him side-on, Naruto spent a moment working out how to get the bb's into the pseudo-magazine, slotted it into place, and pulled the cocking handle, causing the bastard to lose interest.

"Don't remember you at the firing range." Sasuke said.

"Feh, fucking teachers." Naruto grumbled. "I hadta make do. Hound gave me my first gun for my sixth birthday, right, this way beat-up AK47, I still got it, them things never break down. For ages I wasn't allowed to have it about except on onea the ranges at ANBU HQ, but meh, that's over and done with." He shouldered the BB gun and popped off a couple of shots to check the sights were aligned, then spent a moment adjusting them. "I've used way better'n clunky boring old M4's."

"How good a shot are you anyway?" Sakura asked, loading hers.

"I ain't the best, but that's what selective's for." he said, flipped the BB gun to cyclic, and shot one of the crocodiles in the arse. Well, he also shot it on the top of the head, the neck, the back, the tail, and a lot of the water around it too, partly because he was compensating for recoil while the 'gun' wasn't recoiling.

"Dobe." Sasuke blandly remarked. "Bullets aren't cheap."

"They are if you pinch 'em." Naruto helpfully pointed out, sniggering at the croc as it vanished under the surface.

"Dobe." Sasuke repeated while Sakura was busy looking scandalised.

"The arms dealers don't like me." Naruto pointed out. "So I make do. What? Oh come on Sakura, we're supposed to be ninjas. If we can't make or buy something, we pinch it. Simple as that. An' if people wanna be dicks, well, I'd pay if they'd sell me, so they only got themselves to blame. Not my fault their security sucks."

"Clones." Sasuke suddenly said. "What gives?"

"Hmm?" Naruto asked. He was looking for another croc to take pot-shots at.

"Bunshins cannot be used for observation, and yours suck." Sasuke stated. Hook.

"Oh right, you don't know about that." Naruto put the toy gun down. "Well, there's some stuff went down the other night. It's to do with how I ended up graduatin' after all an' why Mizuki weren't about yesterday and the rest is either classified or ain't none of your business or both. See, the thing with me an' normal bunshins is I got way too much chakra for it coz of some shit that went down way back, which is classified and ain't none of your business anyway. So anyway, I picked up this technique, right, which makes solid clones. It takes a buttload of chakra but I got plenty enough to go round. They stick about till they're hit hard enough to make 'em go pif, and till then they can do stuff without me needin' to worry about controlling 'em. Oh, an' they ain't got much of no aura. They're called Kage Bunshins. I got six of 'em keeping tabs on Kakashi."

Sasuke actually looked interested.

"I want to learn that." he said. Line.

Naruto shrugged. "It's restricted. Talk to Kakashi after we get this dumb test outta the way."He angled a thumb over his shoulder in the vague direction of the Hokage Monument and related memorials. "I ain't promising anything, but I reckon you can handle it if you're careful, an' I'll tell him that."

Sasuke paused, then finally nodded.

"Thanks, dobe." Sinker.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_You lived for the touch_

_For the feel of the steel_

_One man, and his honour_

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

As Naruto was entertaining himself taking pot-shots at crocodiles, a girl named Hinata Hyuuga was busy being decidedly unnerved. She'd been reading in her favourite quiet corner of the Hyuuga compound (actually her mother's memorial garden) when she noticed her new sensei, Kurenai Yuhi, walking towards the family administration building in the company of a couple of Branch House members whom she couldn't offhand remember the names of. That was when the sinking feeling began; then, about half an hour later, her bratty little sister Hanabi had come and got her attention by poking her in the shin with a foot.

"Father wants you in his office." Hanabi said. Funny. She seemed oddly subdued.

Hinata nodded and didn't say anything. She just rose to her feet and tucked her book into her jacket pocket (having folded a corner of the page back to mark her place) then sighed and went to face the music.

Hanabi watched her go, still almost completely bewildered and only really certain that their father had been acting very, very weird indeed.

Deciding it wasn't her problem, she shrugged it off and went to find something to do.

As Hanabi was making that decision, Hinata was arriving at the front office. Her father's secretary was as per usual rattling away at a computer, but unusually enough she immediately noticed Hinata.

"Ah; your father is expecting you. Head right in."

Hiashi Hyuuga's office was, like the Hokage's office, inside a Faraday cage. All wiring in and out was strictly regulated and checked for bugs or extraneous cables on a four-times-daily basis. The only person Hinata was aware of who'd ever managed to get in there without her father's permission was her personal hero, one Naruto Uzumaki, who'd left a choice selection of panties strewn all over Hiashi's desk.

As she entered, her sensei was just asking, "Are you certain about this, Hyuuga-san?"

"No." Her father growled. "But, at the current time, choice is a luxury I cannot afford. Dammit, Sarutobi and his six months! I wish I could..." He stopped abruptly and shook his head. "Hang it, the past is gone and there's not a ninja on Earth can change it."

Hinata blinked very slowly, now as completely bewildered as her sister had seemed. She'd never seen her father acting like this.

"Ah, daughter." he said, spinning round. "Take a seat."

She did so.

"So, who is this mysterious 'master' anyway?" Kurenai asked.

Hiashi raised one finger, spent a few moments checking the door was secured and examining his assorted bug-sweeping equipment, then gave Hinata another shock by casting several privacy jutsus that were most distinctly not a part of the Hyuuga teachings.

Then he sprawled down in his chair, unearthed a hip flask, and chucked back a stiff shot.

"I'd better bring my daughter up to speed first, Master Yuhi." he said. "She is after all at the forefront of all this."

Kurenai nodded,

"Hinata."

"F-father?" Hinata responded, scared almost out of her wits.

Her father contemplated her for a few moments, his face impassive, then sighed and threw back another slug of whatever that flask contained. If he'd been acting any weirder, she'd have become convinced he'd been taken over by the Pod People or something.

"Hinata," he asked. "What do you know of the origins of our family?"

"V-very little, F-father."

"I had thought as much." Hiashi said with a nod. "Very well; perhaps I'd better bring you up to speed."

He sighed heavily, shaking his head.

"Our family has existed in a form not so different from what it currently is for in excess of seven hundred years." he said. "It all began with the first man gifted with our hereditary adaptation, the Byakugan. His name is lost to history, but we do know one very important fact about him; as a young orphan, he was saved from a grim fate by a man named Namikaze, and swore himself to Namikaze's service - and his children to the service of Namikaze's children, and thus forwards until either his line or the Namikaze line ceased to exist. And moreso, he swore that as long as he or even so much as one of his descendants drew breath, no foe would ever be permitted to bring the Namikaze line to an end."

Hinata slowly nodded, not quite daring to say anything.

"You're certainly familiar with the name 'Namikaze'; after all, the Fourth Hokage of the Konohagakure was the last of that line... or so I'd believed since his untimely death. My younger sister - your aunt - committed seppeku when she discovered she'd failed to do her duty and allowed Minato to die while she still lived. _That _is how much the Namikaze line mean to our family, Hinata. We are _not _vassals of the Kuno line; we are vassals of the _Namikaze_ line, and we work with the Konohagakure merely because our masters chose to enter the service of the Kuno line. It has always struck me as strange that our fortunes have been almost diametrically opposed to the fortunes of our masters; the Namikazes have always been a small family, usually only having one son per generation, while we have become a large and extremely politically powerful family, second only in this district to the Kunos and the Tendos... but I digress. Less than an hour ago, I heard the news I have been praying for since Minato died; he has a living son, and therefore we have not failed in our sworn duty."

"...oh." Hinata said, numbly trying to take all of that in.

"Gods..." Kurenai whispered. "You're serious, aren't you Hyuuga-san? But... why hasn't this information been made public. Kami, the morale boost that would provide..."

"Minato pissed a hell of a lot of people off." Hiashi bluntly stated. "Not least the Iwagakure. How do you think the Rock nins would react if they learned that 'Konoha's Yellow Flash' had a living heir?"

"... I see." Kurenai murmured. Hiashi turned back to Hinata.

"It has always been that any member of the Namikaze line is accompanied and assisted at all times by a Hyuuga, and that duty would seem to now be yours, Hinata."

"... oh." Hinata repeated in an even smaller voice.

"We must wait just a little longer, and then you must accompany the young master wherever he goes, assist him in any way that you can, and fight for him, even unto death. I know it's a big thing I'm asking of you, Hinata, but you're the only member of the family who can do this." Hiashi sighed. "I'm afraid the young master is rather an uncultured young hooligan, but Naruto Shinra Namikaze is _our _uncultured young hooligan."

"Naruto?!" she gasped. She knew for damn certain there was only one Konohagakure by the name of Naruto.

"I'm afraid so." Hiashi said with a bit of an understated smile. He knew perfectly well that his wayward daughter had feelings for the 'demon brat', and he had previously disapproved - but finding out who Naruto really was had changed _everything_. "I confess he's a street rat and about as civilised as the foxes he runs with, but you must understand, my daughter, that he is _our_ street rat. He does not know it as yet, and it would perhaps be better that he remained unaware of it for the meantime - but he is our _master_, we are his to command, and you _will _aid him in any way you can. You will fight for him, you will take bullets for him, you will kill for him without hesitation or remorse - you will move the very mountains for him, should he desire it. Naruto Namikaze is your liege, Hinata, and you are anything he may desire of you."

"... oh, my..." Hinata murmured, her eyes like Frisbees as she struggled not to pass out from the related dirty thoughts.

"As you know, our family's council is making increasingly loud noises about removing the Hyuugas from the purview of the Konohagakure." Hiashi continued. "The Hokage has requested that we give him and Naruto's uncle, Kakashi Hatake, time to prepare Naruto for what is to come. Once he is, as per his right, accompanied by one of us at all times, it is only a matter of time before the Iwagakure work out his actual identity, and at that stage the proverbial faeces will contact the ventilation device. He and you must both be ready, Hinata."

She didn't say a word.

"Is there some problem with this, daughter?" he fairly growled.

Hinata kept staring at him for several moments, then finally blinked.

"F-father... h-have you ever h-had one of th-those days where you aren't sure if you're awake or still dreaming?" she asked.

Hiashi considered that for a long moment, then slowly nodded.

"Well, yes." he said. "I'm having one of those right now, as a matter of fact."

Then he reached into his desk and withdrew a gunbelt. In it's holsters it had a pair of heavily customised handguns – Hinata didn't recognise the base model offhand. One was either chromed or silver-plated, she wasn't sure which, with what looked like ornate inlaid pearl grips, while the other was finished in very workmanlike matte black, with it's grips composed of what looked to be intricately-carved obsidian. Both had that slightly dinged-up and scuffed look of weapons that had been carried and used on a daily basis for a long time.

"These belonged to your aunt." he stated. "Their names are Ebony and Ivory, and they were made specially for her. They are the weapons she carried when she accompanied Minato; after they died, I kept a hold of them in the vain hope that Namikaze had a successor after all."

Hiashi rose, came over, and placed the gunbelt with it's brace of pistols in Hinata's hands.

"I believe you should have them." he said.

Hinata didn't reply, even though she wanted to tell her father that he was so wrong about this; she wouldn't doing this for 'Hyuuga pride', she'd never believed in it. She was going to do this because she believed in Naruto Uzumaki. 'Naruto Shinra Namikaze' wasn't him; he was a laughing hot-head, a loud-mouthed maniac who never allowed anything to slow him down, who ploughed head-on straight through any obstacle, whose energy and will was boundless - he was an unashamed street-rat, fiery and brash and bold. He was Naruto Uzumaki, wild and free in the urban jungle, and a bright burning light of hope in Hinata's shadow-clouded world.

Mistaking her silence for hesitation, Hiashi put a hand on her shoulder.

"Hinata, I command you..." he warned.

She squared her shoulders, steeled herself for the likely explosion, pulled away from him, and rose her feet, very deliberately buckling her aunt's gunbelt around her waist; he stepped back and stood, arms crossed, impassively watching her as she drew one pistol, checked it over with a series of deft, swift movements, holstered it, and checked the other over; neither currently held any ammunition and they were substantially too big for her to comfortably get her hands round their grips, but they felt oddly right in her hands, even though their sheer size and the firepower they embodied unnerved her.

Then, for the first time in years, she looked her father in the eye.

"I would pray for him." she said. "I would call his name out loud... I would bleed for him."

He didn't reply, but she swore she saw a glimmer of pride in those white eyes of his.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_The smell of resined leather_

_The steely iron mask_

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Walking away from the Hyuuga compound, Kurenai found herself wondering how the white-eyed girl knew that song, even as she completed the quote in her head.

'I would pray for her, I would call her name out loud / I would bleed for her, if I could only see her now / Living on a razor's edge, balancing on a ledge / The evil that men do lives on and on...'

Naruto Uzumaki. Namikaze. Whatever he was called. The 'demon brat'. The Kyuubi's container.

Minato Namikaze's son.

Kurenai had a lot to think about, and even more to prepare. First she needed to speak to the Hokage about all this, in private. Then Kakashi. Then she'd have to hit the armoury and uplift a buttload of ammunition for those (admittedly gorgeous) .45's Hiashi had handed to Hinata. The girl was a good shot with a rifle, but how well would a pair of heavy handguns work for her?

But she couldn't keep her mind off that stunning revelation. She'd known that the Fourth Hokage had sealed the Kyuubi into Naruto Uzumaki for years; she'd been within feet of the scene when it happened, though admittedly she'd been half-conscious and trapped under rubble. She'd hated the kid right alongside damn nearly everyone in the Konohagakure for years – after that terrible night, she'd been the only survivor of her Genin team. But now... now she was ashamed at herself, frightened (both for Hinata and for the blonde kid she'd long reviled) and horrified at exactly what Minato Namikaze had done.

To bind a youkai into your own son... the evil that men do, indeed.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_As you cut and thrust and parried at_

_The fencing master's call_

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It took them two days to come up with a workable plan, and they gave it a third to be certain of Kakashi's routine; Naruto carefully avoided mentioning to the other two that Kakashi was manufacturing said routine for this so-called test.

When it came to time, one of Naruto's clones let them know which way round the building Kakashi was heading, and they got into position; Sasuke and Naruto waited until he'd passed, then stepped out into the path and opened up.

The toy guns yowled and chugged. A sort VraBOT-vBOT-vBOT noise, and the projectiles flew so slow Sasuke could track them with his eyes, and that was nothing special. The noise was enough to alert Kakashi, who sprang to one side; Naruto and Sasuke held the triggers down, spraying the tree he was using for cover, and Sasuke couldn't help but smirk slightly as he saw their plan come off to perfection.

Concealed in the bushes, close enough to the academy that her aura was completely hidden, and the sound of her airsoft gun covered by the racket from Sasuke and Naruto's fire, Sakura squeezed the trigger once. A bb spat out, and bounced off Kakashi's left ear.

"That's a hit." he declared; Naruto and Sasuke let off their triggers, and Sakura came nervously out the bushes.

"Whose plan was this?"

"Primarily Pinky's." Sasuke flatly stated. "We... discussedthe details, and checked accuracy of each shooter."

Kakashi frowned slightly for a moment, then nodded.

"Hmm. Planning acceptable, within mission parameters. Congratulations, kids; you're Genin. Take the rest of the day off, and meet me at seven o'clock sharp tomorrow in front of the generator house, and bring your guns. Don't be late."

With that, he vanished, producing a small puff of smoke.

"You heard the man." Sasuke flatly remarked. "Don't be late."

"Um, would you like to, I dunno, go hang out, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked.

"No." Sasuke said.

"How about we go over to Ichiraku's and have a bit of a celebratory meal? It's this well neat place two blocks from the cop shop up on Furinkan Avenue, with access to the defence tunnels from the basement, and they've got this real neat little game arcade behind it." Naruto offered, not wanting to be left out of this. "My treat!"

"That's a dumb idea." Sakura snootily informed him. "Me and Sasuke-kun don't want-"

"I'll be there in an hour." Sasuke stated, agreeing primarily because he was annoyed at Sakura putting words into his mouth.

Then, shaking Sakura off, he turned and walked away.

"Uhh, so, wanna go hang out till then, Sakura-chan?" Naruto hopefully asked.

"No!" she snapped, thumping him in the head. "Leave me alone!" Then she ran away.

"Oh well." Naruto muttered with a shrug, and went slouching off in the vague direction of his digs to drop off the airsoft gun.

From where he was laying, chakra-cloaked, on the edge of the academy roof, Kakashi frowned slightly.

In his view (and that of the Konohagakure in general) blue-on-blue was completely unacceptable - and, to Kakashi, Sakura's punch counted.

He'd need to have a quiet word with the girl, even though it'd likely leave her needing to change her panties.

Shunshin-teleporting back to the street, he picked up her aura and went after her.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_He taught you all he ever knew_

_To fear no mortal man_

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"Sakura."

Quickly turning round, Sakura was surprised to find Kakashi casually leaning on the corner of her block, a little orange book in his hand, idly reading.

"Kakashi-sensei."

"Two things. First, you need to work on your zanshin. Second, blue-on-blue is not acceptable in any circumstances outside of sparring. Unprovokedly striking a team-mate counts as blue-on-blue. Stop doing it."

"I'm sorry." Sakura said. "But... look, he hasn't stopped bugging me for what, four YEARS. Every freaking day, it's always the same old story. 'Sakura-chan, wanna go hang out? Sakura-chan, wanna date? Here Sakura-chan, I made this for you' and so on and so on and so on... and, well, I guess I kinda took to thumping him because it's the only way I've found that works to get him to leave me alone for a while."

Kakashi frowned slightly.

"I see." he said, then his sole visible eye wrinkled up in a way that was clearly a smile. "I'll talk to him. If a member of the team has a problem, the team has a problem. Speaking of which, we're going to have to have a discussion about you as regards to Sasuke and the ramifications for the team, and I don't think you'll like that discussion, but for you to grow it has to be held. And... remember what your instructors said about a post-mission routine? It might be a good idea if you went to Naruto and Sasuke's little meet-up at Ichiraku's. I'll see you later, then."

With that, he vanished again.

Sakura turned and headed for her apartment, distinctly worried.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

_And now you'll wreak your vengeance_

_In the screams of evil men._

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

At twenty minutes to five, sloping into Ichiraku's ramen bar (a place he'd never visited before) Sasuke Uchiha was a lot concerned. Usually, when he showed up in places like this, he immediately had fangirls and (worse) fanboys giving him a hard time. Jeez, he had standards, dammit! Those damn fangirls were downright pathetic - all the use in combat of a spastic penguin - and their squeals made his skull hurt, but (despite being pretty open-minded about what other people got up to in the bedroom; he filed it under Not His Problem) getting hit on by gay men squicked him to his guts. He was straight, dammit!

So he was faintly surprised when, instead of the immediate ogling crowd, the most attention he got was an agreeable nod from the scruffy-looking gent in a Jonin's tac vest who was munching happily at his ramen in a corner booth. The place was fairly full, but not too crowded (Sasuke didn't like crowds. Crowds led to fangirls and fanboys. Shudder.) and twinkly guitar music was playing on the jukebox.

He immediately spotted Naruto; that bright orange outfit was a dead give-away. Damn, stupid dobe, wandering around looking like a dayglo 'Kill Me!' poster. If it wasn't for that thing's reversible nature, he'd have known the guy to be a moron; as it was, he was reserving judgement.

He headed over, and seated himself in the corner booth the hyperactive blonde was occupying - and he was immediately surprised.

Naruto Uzumaki looked laid-back. Instead of that grin bordering on smirk, he had a relaxed and very genuine smile on his face as he sat, slumped backwards, in his seat, his hands clasped in front of him.

"Yo, bastard." Naruto companionably remarked.

"Dobe." Sasuke said with a nod, seating himself. "Pinky not show?"

Naruto sighed, looking slightly downcast, and shook his head. "Nah. She never turns up to not-official-type stuff if she knows I'm gonna be there."

Sasuke allowed himself to relax, only vaguely aware of the mix of emotions - sorrow, tiredness, anger, the desire for revenge - that were playing across his face.

Then he was surprised by a gentle nudge from Naruto's booted foot against his shin.

"Hey. C'mon man, lighten up a bit, kay?" The blonde requested, his usual hyperness completely absent.

"How the hell are you so cheerful all the time, dobe?" Sasuke growled.

Naruto smiled, but the smile had an edge on it. It didn't, Sasuke noted, reach the blonde's eyes.

"Iff'n I don't laugh, sure as Hell stinks I'm gonna cry." The blonde said, that faintly tired smile still in place.

Sasuke considered that for a moment.

"You're a right piece of work, dobe." he said.

"Same to you, bastard." Naruto replied, and Sasuke noticed at long last that the slur lacked any real force. Chances were, the dobe had forgotten his name and could only remember screaming 'Bastard!' at him that time in primary school.

"Call me Sasuke, willya dobe?" he grumbled, suddenly realising that, from him when addressing Naruto, 'Dobe' held about as much force as when Naruto called him 'Bastard'.

"Long as you call me Naruto, I will." Naruto said, foxy grin momentarily appearing as, for an instant, he was back to his usual self.

"Dobe." Sasuke muttered, reckoning Naruto had a point there.

"Bastard." Naruto said, relaxing again, the foxy look turning back into that wistful smile.

"Uh, hi Sasuke." said an unexpected (and not exactly welcome) voice, as Sakura appeared at their table.

"Hn." Sasuke said, utterly exasperated. Fangirls. Anywhere he went, god-damned fangirls.

"Hey, Sakura-chan. Have a seat." Naruto said, making an idle gesture with one hand; Sasuke noticed he was still completely relaxed, and he also noticed that Sakura looked positively astonished at the lack of bouncing and yelling from their loopy blonde comrade-in-arms.

Instead, she seated herself as close to Sasuke as she could get, which was opposite him; Naruto was sprawled all over the corner while Sasuke was taking up all of one side of the bench.

"Mind if I butt in?" asked an unexpected (and not entirely unwelcome) voice, and the trio were all quite surprised to see Kakashi standing a little away from their table.

"Sure; take a seat, Pops." Naruto said, not coming out of his relaxed sprawl. Sasuke merely grunted, and Sakura chirped a respectful welcome.

Eye still wrinkled, Kakashi settled himself beside Sakura, and glanced at his trio of Genins, obviously taking note of Naruto's absolute relaxation.

"Been a while since I've been in here." he remarked.

"Yeah, I know." Naruto said with a nod. "Ain't seen you in here in what, eight months?" He flashed a series of hand-signs out of Sasuke's view, getting himself an odd look from Sakura.

"Yes. I'll explain later." Kakashi said.

Naruto nodded, and sprawled backwards again.

"What was that?" Sakura asked.

"Classified." Naruto told her, in near-perfect chorus with Kakashi, much to her annoyance.

"Classified this, classified that, what is it with you two?" she complained.

"That," Kakashi told her, "Is classified."

She stared blankly at him for a few moments, then started banging her head on the table. Naruto and Kakashi gave each other dubious looks, then shrugged in unison, adding to Sasuke's increasing confusion.

"Tomorrow morning," Kakashi announced, "We'll begin a series of test runs so I can get a feel for where you each are. Tomorrow afternoon, we'll begin taking D-rank missions. I want you all to understand that D-rank missions are essentially make-work; over the coming few months you're likely to become very familiar with locating missing pets, eradicating rodents, weeding gardens, and helping little old ladies. But before you get immensely pissed off about that, I want you to understand that, like all things in the life you are now entering, these chores have a deeper purpose; each category of D-rank mission can be likened to a category of live-fire mission, from infiltration to hostage-rescue to kidnap to intelligence-gathering, and they are intended to impart lessons that will become extremely valuable once I deem you ready for combat. The lessons learned in tracking down and recovering a missing pet may be applied to the task of a hostile extraction; the lessons learned escorting someone's grandma on her day out might equally be applied to VIP-protection detail. It may frustrate you, doing what seems like scut-work, but I'd like you to understand that these tasks will help you become a better ninja in the long term - and besides, you'll get paid for them. There is a large division between a graduate of Murder Academy and a combat-qualified ninja, and everything I have you do in the coming months - no matter how pointless it may seem - will aid you in becoming the combat-qualified ninjas the Konohagakure so desperately need."

The trio of genins nodded solemnly, chorusing, "Yes, Kakashi-sensei." Well, apart from Naruto, who said, "No prob, Pops." and flashed a few more hand signs.

"Anyway, I have to go." Kakashi said, responding to Naruto's hand signs. "I'm due for the Jonin's meeting three hours ago."

And, with that, he departed.

"What was that hand signals sign language stuff anyway?" Sakura asked Naruto.

"It's classified." Naruto said, obviously exasperated. "Look, I wasn't supposed to learn them but right around when I was learning to talk enough people were using them around me that I, well, sorta accidentally learned. It's an ANBU silent communication method, right? Don't neither of you ask me to teach you, I'm not allowed."

"... so, what were you talking about in classified hand-sign thingies?"

Naruto paused.

"Dobe?" Sasuke asked.

"I... wanted to know why Kakashi went so easy on us with that test thingy." Naruto said.

"Easy on?" Sasuke asked, put out.

"Don't play dumb, bastard. That's my job. Kakashi's a Jonin who spent time in ANBU. He's the best there is. We're fresh outta Murder Academy. Only way we'd have a hope in Hell against him is if he let us win."

"But... the plan, use suppressing fire to put him into my line of sight..."

"He knows this well nifty jutsu, right?" Naruto said. "It's called Shunshin no Jutsu, right? Basically, he can teleport with it a short distance. Well, not really – it's actually you moving like shit off a stick. The ANBU's call it and stuff like it – like that Amaguriken thingy – combat-hyping. I've seen Kakashi move two hundred metres in less'n a second using that thing – he can't quite break the sound barrier and he can only just hold it for like a couple seconds, but that's the only real limits. If that'd been real, well, considering real bullets move faster'n sound, if he'd seen me an' Sasuke coming, we'd have been dead before you even seen him."

Sasuke snorted.

"Believe it, man. Only ways I can think of that totally green Genins like us could take a Jonin is by sniping or a car-bomb or something – and that'd be iffy. Or if the Jonin let the Genins win. That's what happened today, Kakashi let us win."

"Why?" Sasuke grunted, moving dangerously close to sulk territory.

"Well I dunno yet, do I? You heard him say he'd tell me later."

"I think I know why." Sakura said. "Or at least, I think I've worked it out."

Naruto expectantly looked at her, and Sasuke looked half-interested, so she ploughed on.

"Something he said in that meet-up after the team assignments." she said. "He said, the only way we'd pass is if we're suited to operate as a team, right? And that's what we did, isn't it? We operated as a team."

"Point." Sasuke muttered.

"I guess if we hadn't and we'd gone at him solo he'd have put us on the ground real fast." Sakura summed up. "I think that might've been what that was all about."

"Look underneath the underneath, huh?" Naruto muttered. "Sneaky old cyclops git... Let's get some grub."

Sasuke grunted, and Sakura made a faintly agreeing noise, so he turned in his seat and yodelled, "EY, AYAME-NEECHAN! WE'RE READY TO ORDER!"

And thereafter was ramen.

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_You'll die as you lived_

_In a flash of a blade_

_In a corner forgotten by no-one_

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It had been two years since the last time a fellow Jonin bothered telling Kakashi he was late for a meet-up. The only thing he was never late for was a fight or the Masters; the running joke among his peers was that he'd be late for his own funeral.

"Hey, Kakashi." Asuma Sarutobi remarked, looking up from his pint.

"Hey." Kakashi said, heading for the mini-bar. The Jonin's lounge was somewhat Spartan and tremendously messy, but a comfortable enough place to hang out; apart from the Yebisu beercan dispenser (which was coin-operated but frequently sabotaged and had to be refilled five or six times most days) and the coffee peculator sat on top of the beer machine (which people kept taking the last mug from without refilling it) it looked a lot like the sort of room assembled by parents of multiple teenaged children as a way of getting the kids to bugger off elsewhere for a while; there was even a set of slot cars, on which the betting and drinking games were frequent. In general, it was dirty, battered, but homely. Primarily because the Jonins themselves were responsible for maintaining it, so they did the barest minimum and bought (and set up) whatever gear they wanted that the budget could cover. This was in itself a security measure; cleaning staff equals greater possibility of infiltrators, and although the Hokage's office was in a Faraday cage to defeat radio-frequency bugs, Jonins were required to be accessible via comms at all times unless on leave, which very few of them made a habit of regularly taking.

Having loaded a coin of sufficient denomination, Kakashi vended himself a can of beer, and settled himself at the big table. This table was beat the shit out of but still (just) structurally sound, as people had a habit of using it to slam sharp things into or gouge bits out of. It was currently festooned with empty beercans and dirty coffee mugs; Kakashi noted that someone had taken the last mugfull from the peculator without refilling it _yet again_.

"Well, now that we're all here," The Hokage said, giving Kakashi a faintly aggravated look (not annoyed, the delay had given him a chance to nail a few beers, it was more long-suffering) "Let's get the formalities out the way."

"Team Eight pass." Kurenai immediately said. "They're a workable combination for tracking and intelligence gathering, and they actually managed to get a hold of my birth certificate. I'm worried about Hinata, but with any luck I should be able to do something for her."

The Hokage nodded, recognising the undercurrent for what it was.

"Team Six pass." Asuma said. "As if anyone was surprised. All three of them are just the damn same as their dads, and they'll work just as well together."

"Team Five fail. Complete lack of synergy."

"Team Twelve fail. They started fighting each other."

"Team Two fail. Ninomiya tried to shoot Fushuugi."

And so on and so forth.

Finally, everyone was looking at Kakashi, who hadn't got around to announcing his decision as concerning Team Seven.

"Kakashi?" the Hokage asked.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Team Seven... well, what can I say." The white-haired Jonin shook his head and grimaced. "They pass."

"Oh well," the Hokage said, heaving a sigh, "I guess they just weren't... wait a minute, pass?"

"Yup. There's a couple moderately significant problems, but whatever." It should be noted that ''Moderately Significant' was Kakashi-ese for 'oh holy shit they have issues', but that's another story, and anyway, what ninja didn't have a few 'issues'? "Out of every combination I've tested, they alone have any will to work as a team... Good enough, for completely green Genins." he summed up, and that was the end of that - aside from a remarkably smug Anko Mitarishi accepting thick wads of money off several people.

The only thing she had to say about it was, "Told you so." but then she had inside information; out of everyone in the room, she was the only one (aside from the Hokage) who knew Kakashi had decided that, if he got Naruto Uzumaki on a prospective team, he'd pass 'em regardless.

Once the Hokage left to check on the related paperwork and records, most of the Joinins started nattering about varied unrelated subjects, and Kakashi got up to leave.

He was stopped by Kurenai's hand on his shoulder.

"We need to talk." she said.

He gave her an unreadable look for a moment.

"About the prodigial son?" he checked.

"Yes."

"Meet me at the Hokage monument in a couple of hours – don't sweat it about me being late, I'm going straight there now. Bring the Hyuuga girl, if you can. You're right; we need to talk, and so does she."

Kurenai nodded, and the two left, heading in radically different directions.

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_You lived for the touch_

_For the feel of the steel_

_One man, and his honour._

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They found Kakashi kneeling in seiza in front of a large utilitarian-looking black monolith inscribed with myriad names. Hinata recognised it immediately; her mother, her aunt and her uncle were named on that stone.

She hastened over, ran a hand down the stark list of the dead, and paused at her mother's name.

"A friend of yours?" Kakashi asked, his voice soft.

"My mother." Hinata replied.

"You too, eh?" Kakashi mused, resting a hand on her shoulder. "My mother and father are also on this stone, as are my best friend, my only sibling, and my sensei. We've lost a lot of good people over the years... at least they can rest now."

"We can't talk here." Kurenai warned. "My place or yours?"

"I've got a safehouse near here. It's closer than yours." Kakashi offered, and Kurenai nodded.

Nodding back, Kakashi turned towards the nearest gateway.

"Follow me." he said, and they did.

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_You'll die as you lived_

_In a flash of a blade_

_In a corner forgotten by no-one_

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Kakashi's safehouse was a modest but palatial apartment on the third floor, ten blocks north of the Nerima police station, two south of Nerima-ku railway station, and right next door to a convenience store Hinata happened to know was the front for a superb arms dealer known as Ichi the Priest.

Entry was gained via a concealed keypad in the doorframe; this caused a magnetic lock to open, and as Kakashi pushed the door open, it was blatantly obvious that said door was armoured with a couple inches of laminate and a layer of ballistic matting, with the lock being behind the armour; the Yale lock visible on the outside of the door was a red herring.

Once inside, Kakashi blocked their path and disarmed a few booby-traps; a bounding mine under a carefully-concealed pit beneath the carpet, Claymores set into the walls, a 4-bore shotgun rigged to go off if anyone stepped on a certain large patch of floor... the list went on. Glancing at the various visible windows, Hinata noted the lack of sniper angles on those windows and the surfeit of booby-traps surrounding them; anyone attempting to enter Kakashi's flat sans invitation would have to be cleaned off with a mop.

He led them into his cramped living room, and gestured them to take a seat on the sofa; gun racks and lovingly-displayed swords lines the walls, many of them surmounted by carefully-maintained Shinto shrines to the dead.

"So, this is about my nephew, eh?" Kakashi said, handing each of his guests a can of Yebisu beer he pulled from the fridge that took up one corner of the room. "Well, there's a few things I'd like to get out the way first."

"What sort of things?" Kurenai asked.

"If Naruto dies because of you, I will kill you." Kakashi bluntly informed her. "Same goes for you, Hinata. And your father. Hell, the same goes for anyone. Even the Hokage. I don't care if it'd make me a traitor – Naruto is the only family I've got left, I've lost all too many people over the years, and I will not lose him too, so long as there's breath in my body. I will be the next one to die, if it is within my power."

"You and me both, Hatake-san." Hinata whispered.

Kakashi paused, considering her, then casually pulled his facemask off, revealing that he was extraordinarily handsome – almost a bishonen, he could've made a literal fortune as a male model – and that he looked a lot younger than he was, his age betrayed only by the multitudes of worry lines etched around his sole visible eye and the unmistakable traces of shell-shock borne in the look in that tired blue-grey eye.

He studied Hinata from unnervingly close range for a long moment.

"What's he to you?" he asked.

"I... I... I th-think I... uh, I, well, I kinda l-like him." Hinata stammered, her face going as pink as Sakura's hair.

Kakashi continued studying her for a few more moments, then gripped her hand in his.

"Then we're on much the same wavelength." he said. "Admittedly, I don't have the hots for the kid, but hell, he's family."

Still blushing, Hinata accepted the rough approximation of a handshake, then hurriedly opened her can of beer and nervously sipped at it, unsure of whether she liked the taste.

"Naruto Shinra Namikaze means a lot to me." Kakashi remarked, likewise opening his beer. "I was running on idle with barely any reason to go on, up until I found out who he really is. I suppose you're here because you're to be assigned as his Hyuuga bodyguard, right?"

Hinata nodded, not trusting her voice right now.

"Good." Kakashi said. "I think you'll be perfect for him."

Kurenai gave him a worried look while Hinata was busy spluttering where beer had come out of her nose.

"There is no guardian as effective as one who truly cares for those they safeguard." Kakashi mused, voice analytical. "I knew your aunt. She wasn't Sensei's servant. She was his partner, his closest friend – almost his sister. She was his quiet shadow with a lethal sting. May I have a look at those cannons you're carrying? Your aunt never let me."

Hinata worriedly nodded, and laid the pair of enormous handguns on Kakashi's coffee table; he quickly field-stripped the pair of guns and neatly laid their components out.

"You'd hardly know they were hand-made, would you?" he said, drooling at the parts.

"Hand-made?" Kurenai asked. "What, aren't there any standard components in there?"

"Well, they've got antigravity kick comps out of Renahara-pattern bolt pistols." Kakashi told her. "Or, at least, that's what Hinata's aunt claimed, and from the eagles on these parts I'd say she was telling it the way it is. Those and their control systems are the only parts that aren't custom-made... Even the magazines are custom. The Hyuugas have always had some incredibly talented weaponsmiths, and these are a case in point. Look at this; the slide operates a tiny generator producing power for the kick compensation... Gods, this is amazing stuff... look at that locking piece! Hand machined, and you wouldn't find better quality in an H&K... look at the way the magazine interface is laid out, just look at it..."

Kurenai nodded, equally rapt, and murmured, "It's beautiful."

Becoming a raging gun-nut was a fairly predictable hazard of becoming a Jonin, almost to the point of being a job requirement; after all, the very finest craftsmen are always interested in their tools.

Kakashi carefully reassembled the duo of hulking handguns, and handed them back to Hinata, treating them almost like they were priceless sculptures, despite the fact that their slender-by-comparison grips made them look almost like caricatures in his large hands.

"You won't have too much trouble with the kick." he said. "From the way all this is put together, they won't have any. Once you've grown enough to get your hands properly around the pistol grips, these guns are going to be a joy to shoot... Let me tell you, kiddo, it takes a lot for a gun to impress me, and these two have done it."

"Th-thankyou." Hinata mumbled, slipping them back into their holsters.

"So," Kakashi cheerily said, "What'd you two want to talk about?"

"Well, firstly I'd like your input as to Hinata's training." Kurenai said. "You're known to have used an unmodified Colt M1911 in combat when you were eleven; I'd be willing to be a week's wages you've got a trick to it, though I can't say I'm sure why you bothered."

Kakashi nodded and angled a thumb at one of the varied guns on his wall; a slightly battered old Colt automatic that was sharing space with the wreckage of what looked to have been an extremely finely-made tanto. "It was Dad's gun. Right enough, there's a trick to it. I figured it out with input from Sensei; it's related to wall-walking. It takes a bit of getting used to, but I've successfully taught it before. Helps with chakra control too, or at least that's my excuse, and I'm sticking with it. I say again; Hinata is going to have to grow into these guns before she can use them at hundred-percent efficiency. There's workarounds, but they suffer from the same problems as all short-cuts."

"Understood." Kurenai said with a nod. "Anything else for training?"

"Talk to Gai. He's done wonders for Hinata's cousin."

"Willdo." Kurenai nodded. "Then there's... look, I want to suggest that Teams Seven and Eight begin to train and operate as a unit."

Kakashi considered that, face solemn.

"In what ways?"

"I've always been doubtful about the four-man cell system." Kurenai said. "It's too limited. And... honestly, Hinata and Naruto need to become as used to operating together as any Genin team."

"Agreed." Kakashi said, nodding firmly. "Besides, if we unify the operations of Teams Eight and Seven, we'll avoid splitting teams when Hinata takes up her duties. I've arranged for Team Seven to meet me at seven o'clock sharp in front of the generator house tomorrow morning; of course, I won't arrive until twelve past eight. If you headed to the firing range at eight o'clock tomorrow, we'll meet you there. I'll talk to Sarutobi. He can pass it off as a training experiment."

"Agreed." Kurenai said.

"Right; I'll see you there and then."

"Kakashi... there's one other thing."

"What's that?"

Kurenai's face became pained.

"I hated Naruto for... for years." she said. "I know he isn't the fox, but... he was a convenient scapegoat. I... how am I going to apologise?"

Kakashi chuckled quietly.

"Naruto's a weird kid." he said. "No, Hinata, don't look put out, that wasn't a criticism; it was a statement of fact."

"How so?" Hinata asked, beginning to forget her embarrassment.

"How many twelve-year-olds do you know who've been trained by ANBU since the day they could walk?" Kakashi asked her. "How many twelve-year-olds do you know who only respect professionalism and loyalty? How many twelve-year-olds do you know who display respect by coming up with mildly insulting nicknames for the people they respect? Who're more interested in firearms and booby-traps than toys or computer games?"

"... not many."

"Exactly. Naruto's a fifty-fifty mix of street rat and Special Forces. He's at home in this city in a far deeper way than anyone else I've ever met; what he doesn't know about Tokyo isn't worth knowing. At the same time, he's as professional as anyone trained by ANBU, yet a part of the way he shows that professionalism is by acting like a complete goofball – being underestimated is useful. That's not to say he's not brash and headstrong – he despises injustice, and he'll stand for anyone who stands by their principles, yet at the same time he's very aware that everyone screws up from time to time." Kakashi nodded at Kurenai. "Give our ANBU brat a sincere apology and he'll accept it, and what you did before won't get in the path of becoming a friend and ally of his. It's enough to say, 'I screwed up. I'm sorry. I won't do it again'; keep your word and he'll stand by you. He'll test you constantly; if he pranks you, that's him testing you, seeing if you're enough of a pro to avoid the prank and enough of a good sport to take it in the vein it was meant. On the whole, he only really trusts people who have an ANBU tattoo on their arm; we're the only people who've treated fairly with him all his life. I believe you two have it in you to change that, and I pray that the same goes for Sasuke Uchiha; those two kids could do each other a power of good."

"I take it you know him pretty well." Kurenai said.

Kakashi chuckled wryly.

"I know Naruto Uzumaki as well as anyone alive." he said. "Frankly, I'm the closest the kid has to a father, and he's the closest I have to a son."

"I love him." Hinata whispered. "How can I show him I love him?"

"Stick to your guns – your word is worth bleeding for." Kakashi advised. "Always be prepared for the worst – treat every corner like there could be enemies round it. Do what you say you will – the worth of your word is your measure. Stand by your own – if someone screws with the people you care about, fights are worth starting. Take no shit – anyone starts something with you, give them what they deserve. Watch your buddies' backs – they'll watch yours. If someone disses what you stand for, call them on it – it's the principle of the thing. And never, EVER, back down until you're beaten down – principles are worth an ocean of blood and sweat and tears. That's what Naruto respects – and, if you treat him as one of your own, stand by your word, back him up, and finish what you start, believe me when I tell you, he'll be watching your back for the rest of your life."

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_You lived for the touch_

_For the feel of the steel_

_One man, and his honour..._

-Iron Maiden, 'Flash Of The Blade', -Powerslave'-

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The gun-totes carried by the trio of Genins as they arrived in front of the generator house at seven o'clock sharp (Or, rather, in Sakura's case two minutes early, in Sasuke's case on the minute, and in Naruto's case ten seconds after Sasuke in a tearing hurry) were an exercise in contrast almost as extreme as the trio's current apparel.

Sasuke was carrying a camouflage-painted aluminium flight-case, probably the sort with that eggbox-pattern foam lining, and was wearing a tactical vest stuffed full of magazines underneath his baggy denim jacket.

Sakura was lugging a drab brown overnight bag.

As for Naruto, he had a decidedly battered guitar case slung over one shoulder.

"Naruto, really." Sakura said. "This isn't a gangster movie."

"Huh? Oh, this? Not like it cost me anything." Naruto said with a shrug. "I got it outta a dumpster and fixed it up."

Sasuke snorted.

"You really should get a better gun bag." Sakura had another go.

"Why? This fits my Kalashnikov, an' when people see me with it they see a kid goin' to guitar practise." Naruto pointed out, putting the guitar case down.

"Kalashnikov? I should have known." Sasuke muttered, giving Naruto a dubious look.

"Don't diss the K, bastard. It's good at what it does."

"Sensei about?" Sasuke grunted at Sakura, abruptly changing the subject.

"I haven't seen him." she told him. He snorted, perched on an available rock, and proceeded to glower at the crocodile pond.

"Trust Kakashi to be late." Naruto grumbled. "Eh, I wasn't late was I?"

"Ten seconds." Sasuke grunted.

"Dammit... so I'm right my watch ain't keeping time no more. Oh well, guess it's time I pinched a new one." Naruto muttered.

"I," Sakura firmly stated, "Got here with two minutes to spare."

"Bad idea." Sasuke grunted, then muttered something about fangirls.

"... what?"

"The bastard's right, for once." Naruto said, earning himself a nasty look from Sasuke; he relished it. "We gotta synchronise watches. When we're supposed to be someplace at seven sharp, it ain't two minutes before that we gotta be there, and it ain't ten seconds after. It's right then, unless we've been told to filter in."

"What... oh, yeah." Sakura actually looked a bit embarrassed. "I... didn't realise that applied to training as well as, you know, operations."

"It's a habit we oughtta get into." Naruto said with a shrug. "So we do it automatically when we gotta."

"Dobe's right." Sasuke grunted. "For once."

"Bite me, assmunch."

"In your dreams. Dobe."

And that was that for conversation. After about twenty minutes, Sakura got out an operations manual and started reading, while Naruto started lobbing pebbles at crocodiles and Sasuke sat there looking pissed off.

This remained the situation until, a while later, Sakura noticed Sasuke was rocking back and forth a bit and intermittently muttering.

"... Are you okay, Sasuke-kun?" she asked.

He responded by pausing for a few moments then starting jerking his chin in and out, his head obediently following along with it.

"... Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke, as well as jerking his entire upper half around in a spasticly rhythmic manner, had started muttering again.

"... What'd you say?" Sakura asked.

"... been saying for years that the fakes wouldn't last..." Sasuke muttered.

"I don't get it." Sakura said, now completely bewildered.

"get gassed in your garage of sickness." Sasuke muttered. "as I bring a little swing into your world of stiffness."

"You won't get anything out the bastard, he can't hear a word you're saying." Naruto pointed out.

"Hnn?" Sasuke asked, pulling one earphone out. "Said somethin', dobe?"

"Nothin', nothin'."

"Hnn." Sasuke put the earphone back in and continued distractedly grooving, mugging, and mumbling snatches of hip-hop. "... park after dark is when you'll see me coming. my gun's gunning, and the eight-oh-eight's humming..."

"This is fucking boring." Naruto remarked. "Alright for bastard, he's got tunes. Even if they're crap."

"I guess it's that patience thing again." Sakura said.

"... at eighteen I had a hard-core attitude, when I turned nineteen I was tourin' with Ice Cube..."

"Don't stop it being boring."

"... where the rules don't bend and the beats don't end..."

"Yeah... I guess."

"... I gotta let these knuckles know who the fuck I be..."

"Sorry I'm late." Kakashi remarked, stepping out of behind a shrubbery.

Naruto rolled his eyes, and said, "What kept ya?"

"Oh, I was lost on the road of life."

"Dirb-head." Sasuke muttered, turning his Walkman off.

"So, what're we gonna be doing for the, oh..." Sakura glanced at her watch. "Three hours that're left of this morning?"

"Firing range." Kakashi said. "So I can judge how good a shot each of you is, with a variety of weapons."

As they followed the eyepatched one towards the manor and it's basement firing range, Sasuke glanced at Naruto.

"Dobe? Don't diss the tunes. They're good at what they do."

**End: Chapter 1.**

Thanks to the guys on the Caer Azkaban group for their input towards this thing, especially The Unicorn, chatarmordrai, Andrei Krotov, nielingage and of course the mighty Rorsch himself (though this list is of course incomplete) all of whom provided some valuable advice about firearms, munitions, niggly details, and the Japanese language. You guys rock.

Note that I'm perfectly aware of Kid Rock's discography and I know 'Devil Without A Cause' wasn't released until 1998, but I figure the Kid's sounds suit Sasuke down to the ground. Hey, this is an altaverse; in Top Dog, Kid Rock broke a couple years earlier...

Doghead Out.


	2. Chapter 2

**This ain't no slash fic.**

**This ain't no self-insert fic neither.**

**This is Top Dog.**

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As they walked into the firing range, Sakura was momentarily surprised to hear the crackle of gunfire in progress. Then she figured she should have guessed other people would be using the range; she'd only ever been in the Academy range before, not the range for qualified ninjas.

There was a lanky guy with greasy brown hair at the first lane on the range. He had a Colt M1911 in his hands and paid them no heed, and nor did the woman in the brown trenchcoat who was going at it with an antique-looking bolt-action rifle Sakura didn't recognise offhand, which in itself made her curious as she was usually pretty good at identifying rifles.

However, most of the noise was coming from the far side, where some of their former classmates – now Team 8 – were firing M4 carbines under the alert eyes of the Jonin who'd picked them up from the team assignment meeting the other day.

But there wasn't time for her to worry about that.

Kakashi led them over to a side room, where he proceeded to thoroughly check over the guns the trio of genins had brought, starting with Naruto's – right enough, a Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle, type 2A going by it's machined receiver. It's foregrip had been replaced with a very fancy-looking black metal RAS rail cluster; there was a laser on one side rail, and a tactical foregrip on the bottom rail, but it possessed only it's iron sights. The wood of the stock and pistol grip was marred by multiple dings and scrapes, one of which (the big gouge in the stock) looked to be from a glancing bullet hit, but it was oiled beautifully; likewise, aside from that foregrip and the barrel, the metal parts had that semi-polished effect round the corners and edges, making it very obvious that this gun didn't exactly sit around for show. Yet it didn't have so much as a speck of dirt or dust visible on it, and when Kakashi field-stripped it, Sakura saw that the mechanism too had been painstakingly cared for; a lot of the parts looked to be almost brand-new.

Having reassembled the gun, Kakashi gave Naruto a nod of approval and handed it back.

Then he turned himself to Sakura's weapon – an old Type 99 rifle from the Second World War. She hadn't asked how Iruka got hold of it when he gave it to her. It too was marked with the signs of age, but had been properly taken care of all it's life, and she checked the zeroing of the scope on a daily basis; she found it's kick barely controllable, but she was a crackshot with the war-weary old gun. She was very relieved when she too got a nod from their sensei.

And then it was Sasuke's turn, and of course, Sasuke being Sasuke, his gun proved to be a veritable Rolls-Royce. She recognised it immediately; she'd fired one before, and hadn't much liked it, though she could see how it would be great if you were into that sort of thing. But she preferred having enemies at a comfortable distance, and good at it's job though it might be, the legendary Heckler and Koch MP5 sub-machine gun didn't do that. The thing was heavily customised – a railed foregrip, side-folding stock, fancy holographic sight, all the bells and whistles – and she swore she caught a glimmer of pride in Sasuke's eyes when he looked at it.

Kakashi reassembled it, nodded to Sasuke, and handed it back.

"Well now, illuminating selections, all three of you, and it's very apparent you know how to take care of your weapons." he said, then indicated the very familiar rack of M4 carbines on the wall nearby. "You can show me what you can do with your own guns later on. For now, grab an M4 and a mag each and let's see how accurate you all are."

Sasuke grunted. Naruto looked decidedly disappointed.

For her part, Sakura was secretly agreeing with Naruto. She didn't much like the M4. It was too short-ranged, she always overcompensated for recoil because she was used to the Type 99's bone-jarring kick, none of the stock settings were right for her, she found the safety and charging handle unintuitive, and she could barely hit anything with the damn thing – bleargh. She didn't let it show on her face, or at least she hoped not, but it probably showed in the way she banged the f-ugly thing around and fiddled with that pesky stock.

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**Disclaimer: Yesnoyesnoyesnomaybeontuesdays.**

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**Naruto: A Fox in Tokyo.**

**A Doghead13 / United Galaxies fanfic**

**Written & produced by Calum J 'Doghead13' Wallace**

**Preread by Kuro_Neko**

**Aided and abetted by the denizens of Caer Azkaban**

**Brought to you by Hairy Scottish Git Productions, GMBH**

**This is not a drill.**

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**Chapter 2: That's What Friends Are For.**

**(In which four becomes nine)**

As Sakura was quietly frothing at the unwanted presence of an M4 carbine in her near future, Hinata Hyuuga was nervously shuffling her feet as she contemplated the pair of outsized handguns that were laying on the table by the firing lane.

For the first time since her father had presented her with them, they were loaded, with eight shells in each, and she was starting to realise they scared the bejeezus out of her.

Therefore, Kakashi's voice saying, "May I?" was a welcome interruption.

She nodded; he stepped forwards, picked up the white one, thumbed the button that triggered a target to present itself, flicked the safety off, and fired.

The gunshot was even louder than Hinata expected; loud enough that it made her jump, but it didn't stop her noticing that the huge pistol's barrel dipped.

Kakashi frowned slightly, contemplated it, and fired again. Again, a tremendous roar and the barrel ducked down a little.

He frowned again, ejected the clip, and let out a low whistle.

"Huh." he said.

"What's up?" Kurenai asked.

"It's pulling forwards." Kakashi said. "I think you need to try .45 Super rounds, plus P at the very least; the kick comps are way too much for standard loads."

"P-pulling f-forwards?" Hinata asked.

"Yeah, strange as it may seem." Kakashi confirmed. "Here; you have a try. Don't worry, it's just a gun, it won't bite you long as you treat it with respect."

"Woah Pops! That's a bloody awesome piece – where'd ya get it?" Naruto loudly asked, arriving on the scene.

"It and it's companion belong to Hinata." Kakashi said, his visible eye creasing in that telltale manner that showed he was smiling beneath his mask.

"Wow! Hey, awesome guns Hinata! Way cooler'n that boring old popper you had at the Academy!" Naruto enthused.

"H-hey! I l-like my P-PPK." Hinata said, put out enough to keep her stammer halfway under control, despite the fact she was aware she was going the colour of a fire engine.

"Well, yeah, Walthers are nice guns, but, well, they're kinda boring really." Naruto said, shrugging. "I way prefer my Beretta."

"Stop giving the girl a hard time and go dolally with that M4, brat." Kakashi firmly instructed; Naruto stuck his tongue out and headed for the unoccupied lane between where Sasuke and Sakura were now riddling a couple targets with holes.

"Little bugger never changes." Kakashi snorted, handing the .45 to Hinata.

She swallowed and, gripping it in both hands (and only just managing to get them far enough round the thing) took careful aim, steeled herself for the half-expected hammer-blow, and fired.

The gun very nearly yanked itself out of her grip. Kakashi hadn't been kidding; it was pulling forwards harder than her PPK kicked back.

"W-woah!" she said.

"Weird, isn't it?" Kakashi agreed.

"It t-tried to g-get away f-from me."

Kakashi nodded, drew the holstered M1911 he had at his belt (the same scruffy old gun that'd been on his wall when she and Kurenai visited, the one that apparently belonged to his father) and started jacking shells out of it's magazine.

"These have a heavier propellant charge." he said. "I use plus P's for all my .45's. Give these a try; might make it a little easier to control."

Hinata nodded warily, removed Ivory's magazine, and cleared it of ammo, then started slotting in the bullets Kakashi was handing her.

Once they were all in there, she gave it another go. The gun still tugged at her hands, but not to nearly the same degree.

"I-it's s-still p-pulling." she said.

"May I?" Kakashi asked, and she handed the gun over. He fired twice, then nodded and handed it to Kurenai, who got the same dipping-barrel result he'd got earlier.

"I think you'll need .45 Super." he said.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Sasuke kept a half eye on dobe and fangirl as they worked their way through a variety of firearms; first the M4's, then heavier rifles (old Howa Type 64 battle rifles, hulking great rock-solid things that kicked like a horse) then 9mm automatics – again, weapons pinched from the JGSDF – followed by sub-machine guns, after that pump-action shotguns, and as the encore, their own guns. Throughout all of this, he rapidly found himself coming to three conclusions.

Conclusion one was that, once she'd had time to get used to the way a weapon kicked, the fangirl was a deadeye shot with pretty much anything you cared to hand her, especially if it was shaped more-or-less like a rifle and even if the recoil nearly took her off her feet. Maybe she wasn't just a pretty face.

Conclusion two was that the dobe had been in here before; he already knew exactly where everything was.

And conclusion three was that the dobe was, while barely competent at putting bullets in the right direction (he got the loosest clusters of the three) completely ambidextrous and a darn sight stronger than he looked; not even the Type 64 with a magazine of 7.62 high-velocity rounds gave him problems, and he proved just as vaguely accurate with, basically, everything.

That said, all three of them got shot clusters that, if the targets had been humans, would have proved pretty much instantly fatal. Considering the laid-out group of target cards, each marked with name, date, weapon and ammo, Sasuke had to admit he found himself feeling a lot less upset about his team-mates.

Of course, Kakashi had to go and say something that put Sasuke right back in a bad mood, didn't he?

"Right. Now let's round it out by each of you taking a turn with the others' weapons."

Sasuke almost yelled at the one-eyed jerk. Oh so almost. He managed to stifle it, though, instead choosing to glare at the fangirl and the dobe in turn.

"If either of you damage my gun, I'll fucking kill you." he growled.

"Don't sweat it, bastard." Naruto assured. "I'm always careful with other people's shooters, wouldn't be right to bust up a dude's gun. Hey, and the same goes for you, OK? The K don't look like much, but I get on pretty good with the old girl."

Sasuke gave him a doubtful look, then reminded himself that the dobe had somehow managed to get his tightest cluster with that AK-47, and accepted that with a nod.

"Fair go." he admitted, and the dobe surprised him by keeping his mouth shut and just flashing a thumbs-up and smile.

"I'll be careful too." the fangirl promised. Sasuke simply nodded. He'd seen the way she shot; she was damn good, he had to grant her that much. Whether she was trustworthy and whether she'd ever learn to see past his unwanted reputation and see the real Sasuke was a different question. Sasuke had thought it already answered with 'No' and 'No', but he was to his surprise getting an inkling feeling he'd been wrong.

Oh well. Accept your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. That's what his mother had often told him. She'd been wise – the wisest person he'd ever known. He missed her every day.

He picked his MP5 back up, selected a fresh magazine, and carefully handed both to the dobe.

"You know how to load it?" he checked

"I ain't used an MP5 much, but Falcon usta let me have a go with his." The dobe said, quickly looking the gun over. "It was older, an' it didn't have the red-dot, but the controls were the same."

Sasuke nodded, accepting that, and took the Type 99 as the fangirl shyly offered it to him. The thing was rock-heavy, though not as much so as the Type 64, and Sasuke upgraded his estimates of the fangirl's strength as he loaded it up and the dobe handed the fangirl that AK-47 and a magazine.

And then they were back on the range. He was pleased to note that both dobe and fangirl had their guns' sights adjusted spot-on, and that both achieved their usual accuracy with his gun; not as pinpoint-sharp as when he fired it, mind, but acceptable. Likewise, he was immensely satisfied that he got his usual tight clusters with their guns – a bit tighter with the Type 99, a bit looser with the Kalasher, but that went without saying.

At that point, Kakashi had them take their own guns back, and surprised the hell out of Sasuke by leading them over to where Team 8 – the one that'd seemingly got all the other real ninjas this year – were just getting done with their own marksmanship checks.

"You guys ready?" Kakashi asked Kurenai.

"Yup." she said.

"Cool." Kakashi made a go-ahead gesture, earning a slightly surprised look from Kurenai, who then turned to address all six Genins.

"Kakashi and I," she said, "Have decided, with input from the Hokage, on a little training experiment. From this day forth, Teams Eight and Seven will operate as one unit. We will train together, take missions together, celebrate our successes together – we will act as a single team. Both Kakashi and I have reservations about the four-man cell system, and we've taken those reservations to the Hokage, who informed us that how we run things is our business."

"This means splittin' the pay, right?" Kiba Inuzuka – a brawny, rough-looking and scruffy kid who, from the gun on his shoulder, favoured shotguns – asked.

"Indeed." Kakashi stated. "However, before you go batshit, remember that many hands make light work. With twice the manpower, we should easily halve the time it takes us to complete many operations – and the ones we don't will show you all how to better employ yourselves on those very same operations."

"... right." Kiba said.

His team-mate, Shino Aburame – a lanky kid with small circular mirrorshades and a trenchcoat – adjusted his sunglasses while politely clearing his throat.

"I for one welcome this opportunity, Inuzuka-san." he said.

"Uh?" The Inuzuka boggled.

"For various reasons." The Aburame stated. "Firstly, there is Uchiha-san. The possibility of an active Sharingan within one's unit is almost unique today, and assuming that he is to activate it, it would be quite likely that he might perhaps acquire the use of techniques that will prove to be of benefit to us all." Sasuke nodded to the guy. He'd earned it. "Secondly, Haruno-san appears, from the shot clusters my partners were able to observe, a natural sniper; neither you nor I nor Hyuuga-san excel at long-range interdiction of enemies. Thirdly, I have on occasion noted that Uzumaki-san is far more than he desires us to believe. And last but not least, Hatake-sensei is of course a legend within his own lifetime, and I would be most grateful for additional input as to the possible uses inherit in the presence of my allies from as many expert ninjas as possible; no offence, Yuhi-sensei, but you are only one ninja, and additional perspectives are always of benefit."

Sasuke noted the way Hinata and Kiba were boggling at Shino, and figured he knew why. In the Academy, Shino Aburame had always been very quiet and kept himself to himself, causing Sasuke to envy him, and Sasuke figured that this was about the most any of them had ever heard the Aburame heir say about any one subject.

"Well said, Aburame-san." Kurenai said, inclining her head. "I confess I believe that this will be a learning situation for me too."

"Don't sell yourself short, Kurenai." Kakashi remarked. "You're one of the best of the best; you'd never have made Jonin otherwise." She accepted that with a grateful smile.

"I'm down with this." Naruto chirped up, and everyone looked at him. "Look, it's like Sunnies said, innit? They send bigger squads for all the heavy work, but mosta the time the bigger squads ain't used to working together, right? So if we give 'em a bigger squad that's used to working as a squad, we'll be the best big squad they've ever had, right?"

"Crudely phrased, but accurate enough." Shino remarked.

"Hey, yeah, I'm with this." Kiba suddenly agreed. "How're we gonna operate? Like point-mark fireteams?"

"That remains to be decided." Kakashi said.

"I wanna be on point." Kiba told him.

"Bite me, assmunch." The dobe snapped. "If you ain't suited to be point man, you ain't gonna be point man, and we don't know if you're suited to be point man yet, do we?"

For a moment, it looked like a fight was about to erupt between Kiba and the dobe; they glared at each other from point-blank range and growled, but to Sasuke's surprise, Kiba suddenly backed down.

"Yeah." he said. "I guess."

"Any further input?" Kakashi asked. "Sakura? Sasuke?"

"Hinata?" Kurenai asked.

None of them felt like speaking up, so they didn't. Well, Sasuke did, but it was in the form of his let's-get-this-show-on-the-road snort and nod, which Kakashi seemed to understand.

"Excellent." Kakashi said, rubbing his hands together. "Then we're all more-or-less agreed. OK, let's start off by continuing our round of gun swaps, and note that if you break it you bought it."

Sasuke then found himself exchanging firearms with Shino Aburame, whose preference ran to a pair of carefully-matched suppressed Glocks with lasers under the barrels; the sunglassed one insisted on their field-stripping his guns (along with Sasuke's MP5) as he was adamant that one cannot properly utilise a weapon until one is familiar with it's workings. Meanwhile, the fangirl and Kiba were swapping guns, to the visible horror of both; Kiba declared telescopic sights to be 'for pussies'' while the fangirl riposted by claiming that 'only stupid meatheads prefer shotguns', to which Kiba visibly nonplussed her by asking, 'So?'.

As that was going on, a luridly blushing Hinata Hyuuga was offering the dobe his choice of her assorted handguns while the dobe drooled over her duo of nicely-customised .45's. Sasuke had to inwardly smirk to himself; at long last, a fangirl who got all fangirly over someone who wasn't Sasuke Uchiha and who actually knew how to shut the hell up and let a guy think.

By the time the related back-and-forth was done (and you could almost smell the stink of smoke from Kiba's poor little brain overheating) and they'd actually had a turn with each other's guns (and Sasuke ceased sniggering at the dobe and the fangirl when he discovered that yes, Hinata's .45's really did try to tear themselves forwards out your hands) Sasuke found himself possessed of a yawning hole in his middle – and thus it came as a great relief when the Jonins two declared it to be lunch break.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It has often been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Kakashi Hatake didn't entirely buy that – he knew for damn certain souls were a hell of a lot more complicated than all that – but he did know that a sentient being's eyes were one of the telltales you could use to get an idea of what was going on in their head. That was what had turned him off the vast majority of porno – while the face would be making happy fun, the eyes would be saying, 'I don't want to be here' or 'I'm bored'.

It also provided a fairly good way of getting a measure of less experienced ninjas. Such as the six Genins he was currently quietly observing as they loitered on the walkway beside the generator house and ate their lunches.

Sasuke Uchiha, for example, had the eyes of a combat veteran who's spent far too much time under fire. It'd probably never cease to shake Kakashi, seeing a clear-cut case of the thousand-yard stare in a kid, for all that he'd been seeing that for years.

Naruto, as another example, had this constant well-disguised yet discernible guarded look to him, like he was expecting someone to go off at him any moment now.

Sakura was almost completely lacking in self-worth. Dangerously so.

Kurenai. She was the Konohagakure's youngest Jonin, and from her attitude, Kakashi guessed that she hadn't realised she had nothing left to prove. He was starting to get annoyed with the way she kept deferring to him – there wasn't a seniority system in place for the Jonins.

Kiba was exactly what he seemed – an arrogant hothead with the mindset of a particularly large and stupid dog. Either that, or he was so good at masking his emotions that Kakashi couldn't get a read off him, which didn't seem likely.

Shino was difficult to read, mostly because of his sunglasses and blank expression, but what little Kakashi could get off him screamed of false sincerity and a distinct dislike of pretty much everything, at least that of it that didn't have six or more legs. So, just your average Aburame.

As for Hinata... he privately admitted to himself that the Hyuuga heiress scared the crap out of him. On the surface, she was a shy and over-polite wallflower.

Underneath that... there was steely determination in her eyes, backed by a tidal wave of barely-restrained howling insanity. There was no mistake in Hiashi assigning her as Naruto's Hyuuga bodyguard. The girl was completely broken in the head, to an even worse degree than Sasuke, and suffering a likely-terminal case of fanatical Uzumaki-worship, backed up by a near-total lack of any sort of a sense of self-preservation; he could easily see her jumping in front of a missile barrage for Naruto, and if he knew Naruto the little sod would probably manage to shoot the missiles down precisely because they were about to blow one of his friends to bits.

If he hadn't known Hiashi Hyuuga so well, Kakashi would have said the white-eyed bastard did it intentionally – but he knew for sure Hiashi wasn't cunning enough to perform that level of manipulation on purpose.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It was Sasuke who finally got around to breaking the silence.

"We need a safehouse." he said. "My place is out. Too obvious."

"Prolly not any family place." Kiba put in. "Like dorko said, too obvious."

Shino nodded and said nothing, as did Hinata, while Sasuke briefly glowered at Kiba.

Everyone then turned and looked at Naruto and Sakura.

"Know anyplace good, dobe, Pinky?" Sasuke asked.

"Not really." Sakura admitted. "I mean, my place is just a flat, and most of my neighbours are civvies, so..."

"I reckon my place'd work." Naruto said, having waited for Sakura to drift off.

"Where do you stay anyway?" Kiba asked him.

"Top end of Furinkan Avenue, just over the road from the old army depot." Naruto said.

"What, right near Vice Street?" Sakura asked, startled.

"Yeah, I'm on the corner of Furinkan and Vice." This caused the others to pay attention. They all knew that part of town, if only by reputation – Vice Street (actual name, Akibahara Way) was the red-light district of Nerima; that whole section of town was scattered with brothels, drug parlours, and gambling dens. By night, it was the most dangerous place in Tokyo; by day, it wasn't much better. The myriad street gangs that populated the region frequently engaged in all-out gang wars, with the Yakuza spending half their time fuelling the fires by peddling guns and drugs to the gangs and the other half their time hiring the gangs to settle assorted scores.

"Are you certain the location is secure?" Shino queried.

"Yup." Naruto said, failing to explain.

"How?" Sasuke bluntly asked, causing Naruto to get annoyed.

"Well first off, if you ask the other folks in my block – and I know all of 'em – my flat's on the third floor. It's not, it's just the front door and a friggin' maze of booby-traps up there. My flat's on the first floor, an' I got a car walled in on the ground floor with the wall set to blow in a way that'll chuck the debris onto the street. And I got access to the old defence tunnels from the basement, which is full of booby-traps too. It's laid out like an ANBU safehouse but with some stuff changed round to make it a right bugger for 'em to get in. I got firing slits on all the approaches and I got enough explosives set up to flatten the whole building if I gotta get out and make it look like I didn't, I ain't stupid and I know there's a buncha people want me dead and that ain't even counting the humourless gits I've actually done something to piss off."

"You're a paranoid idiot." Sasuke remarked, earning himself a mono-fingered salute.

"Aw, screw you, you stupid git." Naruto snapped, not lowering that finger. "You may think it's a brilliant idea to live in a flashy great house any whacko with a lockpick can walk right into, but some of us are smarter than that."

"Thin ice, dobe." Sasuke growled. "It's my ancestral home. Don't talk about something you don't know about."

"Yeah, Uchiha massacre, whatever, I've heard section chapter and paragraph."

"I'm warning you, dobe. Shut the hell up before I make you."

"You know something, bastard? You cry like a little five-year-old girl."

Sasuke let out a low snarl, half standing up.

"Waaah!" Naruto proclaimed, rotating his knuckles against the side of one eye. "Waaah! Waaah! You think you're the only one who's fucking suffered, Uchiha? We've all been through it in here! But we're not like you - we're still human! With _dignity_. You... you're out there with the garbage!"

There was a dead silence, and Sasuke fixed Naruto with a flat glare.

He very calmly (almost too calmly) raised a single finger.

"Go fuck yourself, you ignorant dick."

And he and Naruto proceeded to have a glaring contest.

Realising a fight was about to break out right there right then, Kakashi decided to interrupt.

"Since we're all done with grub, it's time to go get some work." he remarked.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

'Work' proved to be a euphemism for doing maintenance in the manor gardens, a task the Genins didn't exactly find themselves relishing However, the duo of Jonins instructed them to think up ways to use their assorted techniques on the job, with mixed results. There was some rubbish to be cleaned up near the perimeter, presumably thrown there by civilian kids going to or from school the other side of the wall; Hinata ended up using her Byakugan to spot it, while Shino dealt with the aphids on the rose bushes near the walkway by the simple expedient of setting his bugs on them; between the varied inventive uses of jutsus and Naruto spamming a small army of Kage Bunshins, the work was done early, whereupon they went on to the next (somewhat dangerous) task; feeding the crocs and dredging silt from the crocodile pond; again, Naruto's clones proved instrumental to the task.

With that done (and their pay collected and shared around) Kakashi and Kurenai ran them through a series of one-on-one spars. The whole time, Naruto and Sasuke had been shooting unpleasant looks at each other, and by the time it came to their turn to spar, they were both at boiling point.

The resulting fight wasn't pretty. Oh sure, they started off by making a modest attempt to spar, but that only lasted about thirty seconds and a couple exchanges of blow-counterblow, and then they stopped, levelled glares at each other, then any vestiges of martial arts skill was gone by the wayside; neither was even pretending to attempt to dodge as they laid into each other in a flurry of punches, kicks, headbutts, elbow slams and even a few attempts to bite each other.

Sakura started moving to interrupt, but Kakashi grabbed her shoulder.

"Sensei, they're..."

"This has to be settled sooner or later." Kakashi told her.

"But what's going on?" she wailed.

"This is what happens when a staredown don't work." Kiba told her. He was holding Hinata's shoulders just in case; he'd noticed that his team-mate was weird for Naruto ages back. She, however, was stood there with her eyes fixed on Naruto, flinching each time Sasuke hit him and smiling slightly each time he hit Sasuke.

Sasuke headbutted Naruto, sending the blonde reeling backwards. Hinata winced.

"Staredown?" Sakura boggled. "What?"

Kiba snorted. There was a meaty crunch and Hinata smiled as Naruto's boot smashed into Sasuke's shin; he'd been aiming for the groin, but Sasuke moved to throw a punch at the right moment, throwing Naruto's aim off.

"When ya got two big male dogs in one pack, sooner or later they're gonna give it a go and find out who's boss." Kiba said. Sasuke's fist slammed into Naruto's solar plexus; the blonde didn't even flinch, and the Uchiha's eyes widened slightly as that blonde forehead slammed into his nose, causing Hinata's wince to turn into a smile.

"They're killing each other!" Sakura wailed. Sasuke reeled back upright, blood streaming from his nose, and tried to kick Naruto in the nuts, instead getting the blonde in one knee and triggering Hinata to wince.

"Nah they're not." Kiba told her. "They just gotta hit each other till one of 'em falls over. Emo-boy's too arrogant to back down an' the dobe's too bloody-minded to back down."

Naruto lurched back to his feet and bullrushed Sasuke, landing his shoulder in the Uchiha's guts and doubling him up, before ramming his elbow into the top of Sasuke's skull as the Uchiha went staggering backwards, putting a slight grin on Hinata's face.

"... And... stay... down... you... fucking... bastard." Naruto said, reeling around a bit; he was somewhat punch-drunk. Sasuke lay there and blinked very slowly at the sky.

"Fucking... dobe."

Naruto staggered over and dropped to his knees beside the sprawled Uchiha's head.

"You... ain't... alone." he bit out. "You ain't never alone, bastard. We're birds of a fuckin' feather, you know that you arrogant sack of shit? All fucked up and mad at the world, that's us."

Sasuke stared at him for a long moment, then smirked a bit and let out a dark chuckle.

"Heh... ain't we a pair."

Naruto nodded.

"Yeah." he said. "C'mon, man. Let's go sit down someplace and mebbe get some grub."

"First," Kakashi remarked, "You'd better stop past medical, or Sasuke's liable to have a bent nose for the rest of his life."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

An hour later, the six of them (and Kiba's Husky pup, named Akamaru) were sprawled all over a corner booth in Icharaku's ramen parlour with full bellies and, in Sasuke's case, a lighter wallet and taped nose.

"Man, that was great." Naruto said.

"... dobe." Sasuke muttered.

"Your appetite is..." Shino remarked, then lapsed into silence.

"I got a fast metabolism, man." Naruto said, shrugging. "It's cuz I got so much chakra, right? The energy gotta come from somewhere, and that somewhere's lots and lots of grub."

"If your metabolism was any faster you'd have a major melt-down, dude." Kiba informed him, resulting in Naruto giving him the finger.

"We should synchronise watches." Sasuke remarked, and with a round of agreeing noises, they did so.

"Nice watch, dude." Kiba said to Naruto. It was a SWAT-style watch, with a flap that went over the dial to prevent light reflecting off it and giving away the wearer's position.

"It fell off the back of a cop-car." Naruto said, shrugging and causing lemonade to come out Hinata's nose as she struggled to suppress a laugh. "Hey Kiba, what's with the shotgun?"

Kiba blinked, then suddenly got what was happening.

"It's cheap, it's ammo's cheap, and it's great for up close and personal." he said. Sasuke gave him a scathing look, so he continued. "Look, CQB is what I've been trained for, right? I know my shottie isn't perfect, but I can't afford a fancy sub like that thing you've got and you all saw how good I aren't with pinky's rifle."

"Hey, don't sweat it, man." Naruto told him. "See, the way I see it, if we all specialise in different stuff that'll make a better team than a whole bunch of jack-of-all-trades. I sure know I wouldn't ask you to snipe nothing, but right the same time I wouldn't ask Sakura to kick a door down and shoot anything that moves."

"Got a point, dobe." Sasuke grunted. "Me and the mutt. We're point elements. Pinky's a mark element. White-eyes and bug-boy, they're better'n any damn radar set." He angled a thumb at Shino. "I say we try him as Pinky's spotter."

Naruto looked at Shino, who adjusted his sunglasses.

"That makes a certain amount of tactical sense." he said. "My companions have a longer functional range than Hyuuga-san's bloodline ability."

"So, what, we work as three two-man fireteams?" Sakura asked.

"I-it sounds l-like it m-might be w-worth t-t-trying." Hinata told her.

"Right. So that makes you and the bastard fireteam one." Naruto told Kiba. "Me an' Hinata are fireteam two. Sakura an' Shino are fireteam three. We can give it a few test runs one night when we gotta day off the next day."

Shino nodded brusquely and said nothing while Kiba and Hinata made agreeing noises and Sasuke grunted.

"Wait, why stay up till stupid AM when we've got a day off coming up?" Sakura complained.

"Because then we ain't gotta sweat it about being up on time for stuff the next day." Kiba informed her. "Look, sooner or later, we're going to go walking outta the Hokage's office just the same as we did today, but it'll be different. We'll be walking towards people who want to kill us."

Shino nodded. "This is not a game, Haruno-san."

"Stop focusing on me and start focusing on your fucking job." Sasuke grunted.

Slapping Sasuke in the head and thus earning a glower that could have melted concrete, Naruto nodded.

"Last thing I wanna see is one of us coming home in a plastic sack." he said. "But sooner or later we're not gonna be shooting at targets. We're gonna be shooting at people who'll be shooting back at us. They're not gonna hesitate because we're kids, or because shooting someone isn't very nice; soon as they realise we've got real weapons aimed at them, they're gonna shoot to kill. And when that happens, the readier we are, the better our chances."

This resulted in a dull silence.

"How is it one moment you're joking around and the next your completely serious?" Sakura suddenly asked.

Naruto snorted.

"Look, Sakura." he said. "Half the time when I'm taking the piss, I'm also lettin' someone stupid know I coulda killed 'em right there, right then. That time I broke into the Hyuugas place and pinched all their undies... I left half of it on Hinata's dad's desk. In his private, Faraday-cage, nobody-gets-in-less'n-he-sez-they-can, office. I dunno whether I'd be able to get in there again; after that, he totally sorted his security out. Wanna know what else I did, aside from lettin' him know his people shouldn't screw me around? I made an ally tighten up a whole buncha security holes. If an enemy'd found them holes, they sure wouldn't be pinchin' undies. They'd be planting bugs – or bombs."

"Father went ballistic." Hinata quietly remarked.

"Not surprised. It's a helluva wake-up call." Naruto sighed and got to his feet. "I gotta get mobile – dinner ain't gonna cook itself."

"We just ate?" Sakura blankly asked.

"Yeah, an' I only had six bowls coz I reckoned the bastard'd go mental if I ate as much as normal, seen as he was paying." Naruto said with a shrug.

"Wait, what, how much do you usually eat?" Kiba asked, startled.

"Meh, mebbe like twenty-five bowls. Thirty if I'm really hungry." Naruto shrugged and headed for the door. "Catch you guys tomorrow mornin'."

"Mind if I tag along, dobe?" Sasuke suddenly asked.

"Yeah, sure, c'mon." Naruto said.

"Can I come?" Sakura immediately chirped up, only to hesitate when Sasuke, with a sharp look, raised his hand in a warning gesture and rapidly shook his head.

"Me an' the dobe gotta... talk about stuff." he said. "Private like."

"Honestly, Sasuke-kun, I'm just worried you'll end up killing each other." Sakura admitted.

Sasuke grimaced, then glanced at the others.

"White-eyes can come." he said, looking at Hinata, who nearly jumped out her skin.

"N-Naruto?" she asked.

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, sure." he said.

Sasuke looked faintly relieved and got up.

"See you lot tomorrow." he said, and followed the blonde out the door with the Hyuuga heiress trailing behind him.

Back in the ramen parlour, Kiba leant forwards with a big grin on his face.

"So... you two wanna go hang out, down a few? I got a crate of beers back at the Kennels, an' y'know, the Kennels backs onto that old army base up the top of Furinkan and Vice, so we can, y'know, keep an eye on things."

Shino inclined his head.

"That would be... agreeable." he said. "Haruno-san?"

"Yeah." Sakura murmured. "Let's go."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

As he and Hinata followed Naruto into the dingy old block of flats, Sasuke slowly shook his head, amazed at the squalor of his current surroundings; Hinata too seemed a bit shocked.

"Dobe, what are we doing here?" He asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

Naruto didn't reply for just long enough that Sasuke was about to repeat himself.

"This is my digs."

Sasuke thoughtfully considered their surroundings.

"It's a dump." he said.

"I know." Naruto agreed with a nod. "But it's _my_ dump."

"N-Naruto, w-w-why d-do you l-live here?" Hinata asked. The building was a wreck! She could see open air through the holes in the walls, there were junkies in the hall, the corners had a crust of used needles - this was Hell on Earth!

"Because it's mine." Naruto said, bringing the other two's train of thought to a screeching halt.

"You... own the building?" Sasuke checked.

"Yeah. Look, I know it don't look like much, but hell, it's home to me." He grimaced as he saw that the lock on his door had been broken. "Aw great. Heh, wonder how far this one got?"

Sasuke and Hinata said nothing, merely following him as he pushed the door open. There was a yawning dark hole in the floor just beyond the door.

"Huh, not far. What a moron."

"W-where's th-that g-go?" Hinata asked.

"Into a chute, out the back, and into the canal." Naruto said, tugging a hidden lever that caused the trapdoor to close. "Don't step on the dark tiles until the metal strip at the corner, they're rigged. Only step on the dark tiles after the metal strip at the corner, the light ones round there are rigged."

With naught but warnings about where not to step, and a few pauses to disarm lethal traps (and then re-arm them having passed) once they'd got further in, he led them to a cramped stairwell that led down two floors.

"OK, you can relax now, that's it for traps."

"You've got this place rigged up like a damn fortress." Sasuke remarked.

"Yeah, I know." Naruto said, nodding. "That's coz this place _is_ a fortress. Before Kakashi helped me set my pad up like this, it got bust into mebbe three, four times a week. They'd trash everything and if I wuz home they'd gimme a beating."

"Th-th-this is e-e-even m-more tho-thor-our-th-thoroughly t-trapped th-than H-H-Hatake-san's f-flat." Hinata mused.

"Yeah, I know. When something's going down, Kakashi uses onea the old ANBU safehouses. He keeps most've his stuff somewhere way more secure'n his flat." Naruto said, unlocking the door and turning the lights on.

This revealed a decidedly messy but relatively clean entry hall. A staircase went sharply down to the right, with a fireman's pole beside it, and there was a rack full of battered old guns next to the door over a pile of assorted shoes and boots. The floor was carpeted with a higgledy-piggledy patchwork of mismatched offcuts, and there was a vastly overstuffed laundry basket in one corner with an umbrella stand loaded with assorted mostly-Soviet assault rifles leaning against it.

"Home sweet home." Naruto said with his trademark foxy grin. "C'mon through the living room. Fraid it's a bit of a mess, I ain't had a proper chance to clear up since we graduated."

Sasuke and Hinata said nothing, merely nodding and following Naruto.

Right enough, the living room (which took up most of this level of the building) as well as being open-plan with only the bathroom walled off (the bed was one of those false-second-floor sleeping platforms) was incredibly messy. There were books, Lego, CD's, scrolls, weapons, clothes, empty drinks cans, crisp packets, action figures, instant ramen pots and big wobbly piles of magazines scattered over pretty much any flat surface. In one corner was a scruffy PC, a Sega Megadrive and a beat-up television set; there was a beat-up old 'stacker' hi-fi in the opposite corner, pretty much invisible beneath an enormous pile of CD's and tapes. One of the two sinks was mounded high in unwashed plates and bowls, and had a beer glass stuffed full of dirty chopsticks perched behind the tap. Out of the three sofas, one was barely visible beneath an enormous heap of dilapidated guns and camouflage kit, while both of the others had oddments of clothes scattered on them. The central table held two laptops and a vast array of books, and several scrolls held open by assorted household objects or stabbed-in kunai on the corners. There was a dartboard on one wall; it and the surrounding plasterboard were liberally riddled with bullet-holes, and there was a barely-recognisable photograph of Mizuki taped to the bullseye.

"Hn." Sasuke grunted, giving Naruto a funny look. "This place is nearly as messy as my place."

Naruto grinned at him, wandered over to the kitchenette area, put an electric kettle on, and unearthed three cans of beer from the fridge, handing one each to Hinata and Sasuke.

"H-how w-will we g-get out if w-we're d-d-drunk?" Hinata asked.

"The defence tunnels." Naruto told her with a shrug. "There's two ways down to 'em. One way is a trap maze. The other way's not, but the hatch can't be opened from the other side. There's an exit into the old Army depot like ten feet from the hatch."

"Not bad, dobe. Not bad." Sasuke said, privately confessing to himself that he was, frankly, impressed.

"A fox should always have more'n one way outta his den." Naruto said with a smirk and shrug.

"H-h-how d-did y-y-you m-manage to g-get a p-p-pl-place with ac-access t-to th-the d-d-d-defence t-tunnels?" Hinata asked.

"With a pickaxe and some help from some ANBU's I know." Naruto told her, grinning smugly. "It was Kakashi's idea. The walled-in car I've got down the slidey-pole was Vulture's idea... man, I miss Vulture. So anyway, what'd you wanna talk about, bastard?"

"... stuff." Sasuke said, shrinking in on himself a bit.

"Hey man, don't clam up... look, we ain't gonna make with that pity crap and we ain't gonna judge or nothing, right? Just, hey, any stuff you wanna talk over, go for it, right? Or if you wanna rematch, well, we can nip down the defence tunnels."

"... what do you mean, we're two of a kind?" Sasuke quietly asked.

Naruto considered that for a long moment, then shook his head. "I meant, we both got screwed over by so-called 'family'." he said.

"... so you know who... _he_ was."

"Yeah, an' if you're needing someone to help pin the fucking traitor down, you know where to find me, right?"

".... thanks, dobe."

"No sweat, man. That's what a squad's _for_."

They sat there in silence for a few moments, until Sasuke decided to break it.

"What'd your family do to you?" he asked.

Naruto angled a thumb in the vague direction of the Kuno manor.

"Y'know that spike-headed dick at the right-hand end of the Hokage Monument?" he asked. Hinata's eyes started rapidly widening.

"What, the _Fourth Hokage_?" Sasuke checked.

"Yeah. _Him_." Naruto spat that last word in much the same way as Sasuke spat Itachi's name on the exceedingly infrequent occasion he actually used it.

"... what's he got to-do with anything?" Sasuke asked, now completely confused.

"I was born on October 10th 1984." Naruto said, look distant. "Course, everyone knows what else happened that day."

"The Fourth killed the Kyuubi." Sasuke said.

"Did he fuck...?" Naruto growled. "Nah man, ain't _nobody_ saunters up and just, you know, whacks a nine-tailed kitsune just like that. Shooting it? That'd just piss it off. Explosives? Forget about it, you'd need a blast big enough to turn all of Japan into one bloody great smoking hole in the ground. Swords? Don't make me laugh. Those things are powerhouses, man. Okay, so a god could do it. Gods we ain't, man, and neither was the spike-haired dick. All guys like you or me or that arsehole could do is seal it into summat. And that summat's gotta be alive, coz if you sealed it into something not-alive, the seal'd break down in like, weeks. And if the alive summat wasn't sentient, the shit-brained drooling idiot fuzzball'd be doing the driving. That's where I came in."

"You're kidding me..."

"I shit you not, man. That stupid sack of shit sealed the goddamned Kyuubi into me before I was even old enough to ask him what in the fuck he thought he was doing, then had me waved around in front of every fucking Konohakagure. 'Look, this kid's got the fucking fuzzball that just killed all your friends stuck in his middle! Isn't that nice?' Fucking hell, man! Ain't you never asked yourself, okay, so why in the fuck does just about anyone older than sixteen hate this dobe's guts?"

"Gods..." Sasuke muttered, slowly shaking his head. "I... didn't know."

"Not surprising, really. After the fifth time someone tried to kill me, Old Man Hokage made it a death-penalty crime for people who ain't me or him to tell anyone what I got in me."

"Huh." Sasuke said, and took another drink. He paused and glared at the can like it had personally sullied his family honour. "... There's something wrong with this beer."

"What?" Naruto asked, surprised.

"It's empty."

"Aw right." Naruto said, and handed another round around. Hinata, still with eyes like saucers, nearly jumped out her skin when he handed her the beer; she looked from the two-thirds-full can she was still holding to the fresh one and back, then speeded up the rate at which she was drinking.

"Where were we?" Sasuke asked, having taken a sizeable pull from the can.

"Talkin' about what the Fucketh Hokage did to me?" Naruto pointed out.

"Aw yeah.... hey, how does all that mean you were screwed over by your family?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto grimaced, taking a slug of beer to set himself up.

"Kakashi an' Old Man Hokage think I still don't know." he said. "But I've known ever since the day Vulture snuffed it – man, I think she musta been like related to you, Hinata, she had that whole white eyes thing going on. I'm always gonna miss her... so anyway, she figured it out and instead of gettin' pissed at me fer being the son of a useless dick she went totally psycho-fanatic about protecting me to the point she jumped in the way of a fifty-cal for me." By this time, Hinata was as white as a sheet, her eyes were like Frisbees, and she had her hands clamped over her mouth.

"... she figured out what?" Sasuke asked, more and more confused.

"She figured out a certain useless spike-haired prick happens to be my old man." Naruto said. "I dunno what the little shit was to her. Mebbe he was her ex she still wanted or something, I dunno. All I know is, she told Kakashi and somea the other ANBU's, that sack of shit Fourth Hokage was my old man, and they thought I wasn't close enough to hear."

"... is this for real?" Sasuke blankly asked.

"Y-yes." Hinata whispered.

"How'd you know?" Naruto asked her, seeming faintly annoyed.

"F-father t-t-told me j-just th-th-the other d-day." she explained.

"How'd he know?" Naruto asked.

"Y-your g-graduation f-f-f-photograph." Hinata stammered, and then took a large swig from her can, paused, put it down, and opened her second one.

"Fuck sake." Naruto muttered, shaking his head. "I _told_ the old man I had the face-paint on for a fuckin' good reason."

"Are you certain you should be trusting me with this, dobe?" Sasuke asked.

"Nah, man. I ain't." Naruto said, shrugging. "But, look, sometimes you just gotta dig your heels in, right? Sometimes... sometimes you just gotta believe."

"... but why?"

"Because you need friends and so do I." Naruto told him. "Because it's gotta start somewhere – so it started, well, here. Because we're about the only people who're even gonna start understandin' each other – I know I need that an' I'd be willing to bet good money the same goes for you whether you know it or not. Because guys like us gotta stick together – united we stand and all that crap. Because I felt like it. Because I could. Take your pick, they're all good reasons."

Sasuke slowly shook his head.

"You're a right piece of work, dobe." It was all he could think of to say to that.

"Same goes for you, bastard." Naruto replied with a smile.

"S-so... y-y-you kn-knew f-for th-three years, r-r-right?" Hinata asked.

"Yeah, roundabout that." Naruto said with a shrug.

"S-s-since y-you were n-n-nine?" she asked.

Naruto nodded, then shook his head.

"Since I was a couple weeks short of nine, but, yeah."

"H-h-how c-come you n-n-never t-told anyone?"

Naruto didn't reply to that for a while, instead contemplating his beer, all sorts of emotions flooding his face as he thought.

"You alright, dobe?" Sasuke asked, surprising himself by being genuinely concerned.

"Yeah, I will be." Naruto said. "I guess... I guess it's because all my life people've hated me for something I never did." He looked up, and there was steel in the steady gaze that met Hinata's eyes. "I wanna be respected. Acknowledged. But not for something I never did; I want it to be for something real. Look at Old Man Hokage's grandson, Konohamaru; dunno if you know him. Nobody sees who he is when they look at him. They just see the Third's grandson."

"Ain't we a pair, dobe. Ain't we a pair." Sasuke muttered, a tired smile on his face.

"W-w-what d-do y-you m-mean, U-Uchiha-S-san?" Hinata asked him. The poor girl was getting extremely bewildered.

"The... fangirls." Sasuke growled. "None of 'em see Sasuke. They just see the Last Uchiha, oh ah la de fuck 'em all. They're claiming that they know me, but they only know a portion."

Naruto smirked. "I knew it."

"Fuck it, you're right, dobe! We're just the fucking same.... Fuck it, dobe. Fuck it all; why the fuck do we fucking bother?"

"This gaijin dude called Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for." Naruto told him. "I agree with the second part."

Sasuke let out a rough bark of laughter, simultaneously wondering exactly when he'd crossed that line between sober and drunk.

"Fucking A!" he bellowed, and tried to take another drink, only to find the can empty; he slung it into the big pile of empties in the corner and jabbed a finger in the direction of the wall and Tokyo in general. "HEY! Hold your breath, you're breathing the wrong air! This planet belongs to me and this nutter with blonde hair! Slim Shady and Mad Fucker – another bunch of motherfuckers who hate the world just as much as each other! FUCK 'EM ALL!"

"Hey, slow down man, yer pissed." Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah dobe, I'm pissed at the whole god-damned fucking PLANET!" Sasuke roared, on his feet and reeling around. "If my life keeps going this way I might break some fucker's face tonight!"

"Have another beer and calm down." Naruto advised, handing him a can, which he accepted; he sprawled back into the sofa. Hinata chugged back the remnants of her second can, accepted the third one Naruto was waving at her, cracked it, and took a pull.

"Why the fuck aren't I fucking depressed?" Naruto asked, punctuating it by slinging a great slug of beer down his throat.

"F-father calls a-alcohol an em-em-emotional l-laxative." Hinata said.

"... what, so it makes all the shit come out?" Naruto asked, giving his beer a dubious look.

"Has anyone ever told you what a total fuckheel your father is?" Sasuke asked Hinata, who went bright red.

"N-no." she said, sounding horribly embarrassed. She then hiccuped, and looked positively mortified.

"Well he is! He's a fuckhead!" Sasuke declared, back on his feet and swaying around.

"Wanna play Mortal Kombat?" Naruto offered, in an attempt to get Sasuke to calm down.

"Fuck it, yeah." Sasuke said, sprawling down on the floor in a heap and grabbing a controller.

Like Naruto had hoped, the digitized violence worked wonders to get Sasuke calmed down. It was a trick he'd hit on a year or so back – if he got so mad he was about to bust something (or someone) up, but couldn't, he'd go play the most violent video game he could, and once he got bored of that he wouldn't be nearly so pissed off any more.

They played it round-and-round-about, with one player going until one of the others managed to beat them. The first time Naruto handed the controller to Hinata, she'd nearly jumped out her skin, but by the time Sasuke had calmed down it seemed like she'd actually started to relax a bit.

The fact all three of them were drunk probably helped.

"Hey... dobe... bout that fox." Sasuke said, handing the controller back to Hinata.

"What about it?" Naruto asked.

"What's it like, having that... thing... in you? Can you, I dunno, feel it or somethin'?"

"Well, not really, but I can hear it mosta the time." Naruto said.

"... d-does it say stuff?" Hinata asked. Naruto was surprised and pleased to note that, sometime during their random bout of video gaming, her stutter had almost completely vanished.

(He wasn't sure if it was a speech defect, or if she was really that nervous, but he was starting to get pretty sure it was the latter)

"Well, mosta the time the damn fuzzball just sorta mumbles and gibbers." he said. "Sometimes it giggles really scarily, sometimes it start blubbering like a big baby, and... well, sometimes it starts signing this really annoying song about some sorta 'all-seeing eye' and 'architect of fate' in this scaredy-cat sorta voice. Other times is starts screaming something about 'Eye Eye Coothledog Fat Nag' over and over. I can get it to shut up by like thinking 'Shaddup' real hard, that makes it just whimper a bit from time to time for like a few hours before it starts gibbering again."

"... creepy."

"Meh, guess I'm kinda used to it. It's annoying, but I'm stuck with it, so... Aw, damnit! Nice one, Hinata." Naruto handed the controller to Sasuke and went for another round of drinks.

"I-it sound like it's c-completely insane." Hinata said, pausing to finish off her can. She then hiccuped again, and went a bit cross-eyed, though this was admittedly rather hard to spot.

"... you're pretty good at this game, white-eyes." Sasuke muttered, handing the controller back to Naruto as the blonde handed round more beer.

"Yeah, I dunno what happened to the stupid fuzzball, but, jeez, remember that crazy girl who took a load of acid your first year in the Acad and flipped out?"

"What, Hiroe Ogawa, right?" Sasuke asked. Hinata hiccuped, then nodded.

"Yeah, her." Naruto said, nodding. "I think something like that musta happened to the fuzzball, specially now I know what the fuzzball actually is."

"What do you m-mean?" Hinata asked between hiccups

"Look, I see kitsune around all the time, right? Mosta the time it's like five-tails I notice about. I've seen a couple eight-tails. When they turn into like people you know coz they always got this funny sorta smile and they normally got like fox-colour hair. They're pretty mental, but it ain't like gibbering insane sorta mental. They're more like... pranksters. They don't take much serious, they're always lookin' for a laugh. They're not gibbering insane. The fuzzball is. That's why I reckon something real bad musta happened to it."

"... fox colour hair, huh?" Sasuke muttered.

"I-I've seen a -hic- few of th-them around." Hinata commented, then handed the controller to Sasuke, very slowly tilted over, and ended up sprawled against the side of Naruto.

Sasuke emitted an enormous belch.

"We're drunk." he said.

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am." Hinata very earnestly told him, causing Naruto to start giggling like an idiot.

Sasuke gave the two of them one of his dubious looks, then handed her the controller with a muttered, "Nice one, dobe." and went and fished another round of beers out the fridge.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Naruto cautiously got to his feet, extremely concerned. The last thing he could remember was drifting off into a beer-addled haze, sprawled on the floor in his apartment with Hinata sprawled beside him and Sasuke sprawled the other side of her in a horribly uncomfortable-looking position against the side of the sofa.

Now he appeared to be in a very unfamiliar brick-built sewer. He knew Tokyo sewers – the ones big enough to fit in were well-maintained and concrete-built, with walkways down the sides and a great guddle of pipework and cables along the ceilings. This sewer was made of mildew-infested rotten-looking brick, and had a collection of rusty once-painted metal pipes running along one wall.

It also completely lacked walkways. He'd been laying on his back in about six inches of filthy green-grey water, and he could hear something whimpering not that far away.

At least there were lights in here. They were those incandescent bulbs with a metal grille over, spaced widely enough that the whole place was gloomy but you could see what you were doing, a bit like the bits of the old defence tunnels what that crazy Tendo girl hadn't staked out and patched up.

Naruto shrugged to himself, fished his Makarov out of his jacket (feeling very relieved to find the familiar bulk of the pistol) and cautiously moved down the sewer line towards the gibbering.

Funny. Sounded a lot like that blasted fuzzball.

The tunnel, wherever it was, was real windy, and Naruto noted a distinct flow in the sludge away from wherever he was going. This could either be a good thing or a bad thing; it might lead to an open storm drain. If it didn't, he could always try the other way and hopefully that'd lead to an outlet into the bay, or a sewage works he'd be able to sneak out of.

Rounding a corner, he found the first particularly notable feature of these sewers or whatever they were; a large chamber let into the left-hand wall and barred off from the sewer. The rusty pipes flowed through the ceiling of it; it's floor seemed to be composed of filthy concrete, there were bright scratches all over concrete and brickwork, and it was from in here that the gibbering appeared to be coming.

Peering into the gloom, Naruto found he could just make out what appeared to be a quivering bundle of rubbish stuffed into one corner of the cage-like room.

"Who's there?" he said.

The gibbering cut off, and a set of wild terrified yellowy-orange eyes peered at him.

"He's... coming." a voice that sounded exactly like the fuzzball whispered.

"What?" Naruto asked, increasingly taken aback.

The pile of rubbish shuffled around a bit, then dragged itself across the floor towards the bars; as it came into the dim light, Naruto saw that it was a roughly man-sized fox.

It was in terrible condition; mangy, flea-bitten, it's fur patchy, a certain amount of foam at it's mouth, and it's eyes so wide there was white showing all round them. It was shaking like a leaf, and it's ears were pressed down against it's skull.

It also appeared to have nine raggedy patchy-furred tails.

"He's... coming." it repeated, sounding like it was desperate to warn Naruto of something, but couldn't think of the words.

"Who's coming?" Naruto asked, feeling a mite confused as he put two and two together.

Was this seriously the fuzzball? The 'demon', 'Monster fox' that'd decimated the Konohagakure? This wretched, pitiful creature, the 'Mighty Kyuubi no Kitsune'?

"He's comiiing!" it earnestly told him.

"Who's coming?" Naruto repeated.

"He's coming he's coming he's COMIIIIING!" the wretched creature wailed. It surged upright and began shaking at the bars, revealing it's forepaws to be somewhat hand-like. "He's comiiiiing!_Ph'nglui mglw'nafh C'thulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!_ IA IA C'HTULHU FHTAGN! IA IA C'THULHU FHTAGN! C'THULHU, C'THULHU, C'THULHU FHTAGN!"

"You're crazy." Naruto complained. "Stupid fuzzball."

He reached to poke it's nose; it recoiled away from him, gibbering in terror, and went scrabbling away backwards across the cage with one last petrified howl of "He's comiiIIIING! IA IA CTHULHU FHTAGN!"

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"That was creepy." Naruto muttered, rapidly shaking his head and noting that A) he had a pounding headache and B) his mouth felt like sandpaper. He also seemed to have something warm and heavy on his arm and shoulder.

Wiping the grot out of his eyes with his free arm, he had a cautious peer around. Realising he was back in his apartment, he noted that the room was still illuminated by the Mortal Combat character selection screen. He was laying on the floor against the sofa with Hinata curled up against him and wrapped round his arm, while Sasuke was sitting half upright and blearily peering at him.

"Y' orright?" the Uchiha mumbled.

"Th' fuckin' fuzzball." Naruto replied, gingerly extricating himself from Hinata, who mumbled something about 'warm'; lumbering over to the fridge, he selected some bottles of water, handed one to Sasuke, and drained the second.

Sasuke gave the bottle a dubious look.

"Helps wif th' 'angover." Naruto mumbled. Sasuke nodded, gave it another dubious look, and drained it.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Kakashi Hatake very dubiously contemplated his trio of Genins, and Kurenai's three.

All six of them looked like death warmed up. Sakura was very visibly worst off, while Naruto was in least of a state; that said, all six of them didn't exactly look happy that today was scorching hot.

"Whose idea was it to get drunk?" he asked.

Sasuke pointed at Naruto. Sakura and Shino pointed at Kiba. Naruto pointed at himself. Kiba pointed at Shino, who then flipped the Inuzuka off. Hinata just looked embarrassed.

"Riiiight." Kakashi said. "Well, follow me! To the grenade range! Then we'll be heading down the assault course, and after that the firing range!"

The Genins' answer consisted of a chorus of groans.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The day was hot, and the two Jounins worked the six Genins hard, driving home the point about not getting colossally drunk on a work night; being a ninja is a 365-day-per-year, 24-hour-per-day, job. You're always on call – if the faeces encounters the ventilation device, everyone is on duty. Leave is allowed, but it is subject to cancellation without warning. You're always on alert, you're always prepared to go and defend your liege, you're always armed and you're always dangerous. The hours are long and the job itself is dangerous, but the perks are great and the pay has to be seen to be believed. In peacetime, during non-mission periods, most ninja clans allow their members one day off in seven to rest, but for the combined Team 7/8 that wasn't until Monday.

At the end of the day, none of the Genins felt like hitting up Ichiraku's; even Naruto was feeling a bit worn down, so he retrieved a six-pack from one of his stashes and went to settle down on the roof of the generator house with a couple of beers to watch the last light of day in the company of Kakashi, who was leaning against a ventilation stack.

"So... what'd you do that for?" Kakashi eventually asked.

"Hmm? What'd I do what for?"

"Get everyone drunk on a work night." Kakashi prompted.

"I didn't." Naruto said. "I got Hinata an' the bastard drunk. I guess the mutt got bug-boy an' Sakura-chan drunk."

"I say again; why'd you do that?"

"The bastard needed it." Naruto said with a shrug. "Didn't expect him an' Hinata to get so drunk so fast though, guess they ain't drunk much before. 'Specially Hinata, she got well hammered way fast."

"You know what Hiashi's like." Kakashi said, shrugging. "And anyway, kids your age don't usually have much of any alcohol resistance."

Naruto nodded gloomily, popping a beercan. "Meh, that's one thing the fuckin' fuzzball's good for... fuckin' annoying thing."

"Naruto... how exactly does it annoy you?" Kakashi asked, suddenly very alert.

"It's been blubbering away in the back of my head for as long as I can remember." Naruto said. "Well, not all the time. Sometimes it like starts screamin' an' yelling stuff about some sorta coothledog thingy, or singing this stupid song about some sorta architect. Stuff like that. Y'know, I kinda wondered if I was nuts until I found out about the fuzzball. I reckon the fuzzball's fuckin' crazy."

Kakashi didn't answer, instead helping himself to a beer, and the two of them sat there in contemplative silence for a few moments.

"Y'know, what I wanna know is just what the Hell happened to the fuzzball." Naruto said.

"We don't actually know." Kakashi told him. "Kitsune don't normally behave anything like that; homicidal rampages aren't exactly a trickster spirit's usual bread and meat."

"Hey, you got any idea what all happened? Like, when the Fourth sealed that fuzzball into me? Just coz mebbe that way I can work out how to get the damn thing to shut the hell up for a while."

"I don't actually know; I was on my way back from Tehran at the time of the Kyuubi's attack; by the time my plane landed it was all over."

"Oh." Naruto pulled a face. "Meh, can't ask the spike-head, he's a bit too dead. Say, did anyone see what was going down?"

Kakashi sat back, thinking about that.

"The last Konohagakure who saw the Fourth alive was actually Kurenai." he said. "I'm not sure how much she remembers, she was badly injured at the time and trapped in a partially collapsed building. Mi Soon of Joketsuzo would be able to tell you more than anyone in Tokyo – if, of course, we knew how to find her. All I know of where Clan Jokesuzoku call home is 'somewhere in northwest China'."

"Clan Joketsuzoku? They an Amerai clan or something?" Naruto asked.

"Yes." Kakashi confirmed. "They're one of the smallest Clans still in existence. We don't know much of anything about them beyond that they're warrior-woman types – they caused the old legends of Amazons – there's only a couple thousand of them, tops, and we owe a particular one of them big-time. Without Mi Soon, we wouldn't have been able to stop the Kyuubi. We don't know what it wanted – all we know is it was destroying anything that happened across it's path, and said path, if extended from where it appeared through where it went, would eventually pass straight through the middle of the Chrysanthemum Throne."

"You reckon it was like, going after the Emperor?"

"We don't know for certain – but it's approach vector tells a tale, and it was moving in a perfectly straight line." Kakashi said, shrugging. "For my part, I don't think it could've cared less about us. We were just... in the way."

"Kurenai, huh?" Naruto mused.

"What about me?" Kurenai had just returned, having headed over to the Jounin's lounge, realised Kakashi wasn't there, and gone looking for him in case something team-related had come up.

"Old eyepatch says you were there when the spike-head sealed the fox into me." Naruto told her, angling a thumb at Kakashi.

"Naruto was asking about events at the time of the Kyuubi's rampage." Kakashi translated.

"you knew about that?" Kurenai asked Naruto, sounding distinctly surprised.

Naruto simply nodded.

"Yeah. I've known for a while." he said. "Don't ask me how I found out, it's classified."

"Oh." she said, still visibly taken aback.

"So... uh, y'know, this is gonna sound kinda weird, but, well, do you remember anything? Coz I don't, and I've wanted to know what happened for... well, a long time." Naruto remarked, his cheery façade becoming obviously faked.

Kurenai didn't reply for a while as she though back, running over what she'd seen – what she'd thought she saw – and wondering how she was going to put this without making herself sound completely deranged.

Then she reminded herself that Naruto Uzumaki had a messily insane fox-spirit imprisoned inside of him, and that he hung out with ANBU operatives; if he wasn't already used to weird, he'd never be used to weird.

"I... remember it, well, pretty clearly, really." she said. "Or at least, I remember what I thought I saw, but... look, it was so weird that I don't think I'll ever be able to work out of I was hallucinating or not."

Naruto snorted, momentarily sounding a bit like a snarky old man. "I've seen some pretty fucked-up shit in my time."

Kakashi snorted indelicately. "Amen to that."

Kurenai nodded, and haltingly began to talk.

"Well, when the Fourth finally arrived, I was trying to cover Ryunosuke – my team-mate – from a nearby building, while he tried to pull our sensei out of there." she began. "And... well, about the first thing I remember after the building collapsed was hearing a motorbike..."

-/- October 10th 1984-/-

-/- Two minutes to nightfall -/-

Kurenai Yuhi was fairly certain that she was in the process of dying. The dual facts that this didn't bother her that much, and that she wasn't feeling any pain despite the fact that she couldn't see anything below her shoulders for all the concrete and wreckage, felt like something she should be concerned about, but she just couldn't find it in herself to worry about all that simple crap as she lay there and watched the lightshow, being projected by a very small and very elderly woman, at the centre of which was the Fourth Hokage and the Kyuubi. There was definitely a lot of swearing in the Fourth's voice and a lot of incoherent gibberish in the Kyuubi's voice coming out of that lightshow.

She wasn't really sure what was going on, but the old woman was starting to sweat and was swearing about someone being late.

That was when Kurenai heard (and soon thereafter, saw) the motorbike.

She didn't know much about bikes, but this one looked old. It's engine note was a deep, heavy throb, it's perfectly unblemished metalwork was painted a shade that for some reason she found herself wanting to think of as 'shroud white', and for some reason she found herself thinking of the bike itself as a 'pale steed'.

It rolled past her, the rider – an extremely tall man, clad in a black leather greatcoat, his face invisible behind goggles and balaclava, his hair a wild grey-white mane and a full-sized scythe slung across his back – seeming quite unconcerned by the chaos he was rapidly approaching as he drew the bike to a halt, put it out of gear, flicked the side-stand down and rose from the seat.

He then glanced at her, and checked an eggtimer, which he tucked back into his greatcoat.

SORRY, KID. I CAN'T HELP YOU YET. He told her, in a voice almost but not quite completely unlike any voice the young Genin had ever heard, and then he turned his attention back to the lightshow.

"About time you got here!" the crone snapped.

I CAME AS SOON AS I COULD. the tall man explained, pausing to critically examine a second eggtimer, and then unconcernedly ambled into the core of that lightshow.

HELLO, MINATO.

"Shinigami?" Kurenai heard the Fourth Hokage gasp.

MY NAME'S BILL DOOR. USE IT, THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.

"Take my life! Use it to bind the Kyuubi into this child!"

KID, YOU DID THAT JOB YOURSELF, WITH A BIT OF HELP FROM LITTLE MI SOON OVER THERE. I'M JUST HERE TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.

Abruptly, the lightshow was gone, it and the fox sucking down into something on the Fourth's chest, and Kurenai found herself looking – through the fog of semi-consciousness – at a sight she would never forget, for all that she'd never quite be able to bring herself to believe it was real.

'Bill Door' had his goggles pushed up on his forehead and his balaclava pulled down, revealing that he had a somehow sad and almost-sentimental grinning white skull for a face. He was standing with his scythe in a follow-through position, as if he'd just swung it through the Fourth Hokage's neck. The fox was gone, and the Fourth Hokage was very obviously dead; a small blonde child was clutched in his rapidly stiffening fingers.

Kurenai realised she could hear the grumble of a second engine; another motorbike rolled to a halt beside Bill's bike. This one looked brand new – a great gleaming black-and-chrome Harley-Davidson, almost the size of a small car, and ornately decorated in silver, gold, and gems – and was ridden by a gorgeous Nordic-looking young woman with wild blonde hair, dressed in black leathers and chainmail; she hastily jumped off her bike and hurried over to Bill.

YOU'RE RUNNING LATE TODAY, GUDRUN. The skeletal-faced man with the scythe said.

"Sorry, Bill. This is my third pickup in the last half hour; I just had a couple of lads who went down showing how it's done over in Guatemala." the woman said, sounding contrite.

AT LEAST YOU LOT CAN RECRUIT. Bill complained. UNTIL THE BOSS-LADY AWAKENS, WE'RE STUCK WITH THE MANPOWER WE'VE GOT. LET'S GET THIS DONE, OKAY?

Gudrun nodded, reached down to the Fourth Hokage's hand, and somehow hauled a second Fourth Hokage – this one slightly transparent – out of him.

Kuerenai then found her vision eclipsed by Bill, who'd hastened over to her.

I'LL BE BACK WHEN YOU NEED ME. He said, gently stroked her cheek with his gloved hand, and then piled onto his bike; it's engine came to life with a throbbing roar, and then it was accelerating away down the battered street, allowing Kurenai to see Gudrun pulling a puzzled transparent Minato Namikaze onto her bike before peeling off after Bill.

Then she found herself looking at the crone, who was now cradling that kid – the one that the fox had turned into or something – in one arm.

"You're in a bit of a fix, aren't you dear?" the old woman said. "Well, let's get you out of there."

Kurenai very gratefully became unconscious.

She came round a week later, in an overcrowded makeshift infirmary otherwise known as one of the Murder Academy classrooms, which she'd been sharing with fifty-seven other injured survivors of the Kyuubi's rampage.

-/- Present Day -/-

"I never saw the old woman again. Or the skeleton-faced man-thing, or that Scandinavian friend of his." Kurenai shook her head. "Hell, I'm not even sure I actually saw what I thought I saw."

"We've all stared death in the face." Kakashi remarked. "I guess for some of us that's a little more literal."

"Huh." Naruto muttered, glaring at a commuter train as it rattled past the other side of the wall the generator house overlooked. The train didn't respond to his glower.

"Y'know, I really gotta wonder why the fuzzball went bonkers." He mused.

"It didn't sound well." Kurenai told him. "It... gods, it sounded about as sane as an axe murderer. But, y'know, I'd swear it was trying to warn people about something..."

Naruto stared dubiously out over the city, a frown on his face.

"It's completely fucking crazy." he said. "Batshit stark staring insane. I know that much, I've seen it face-to-face."

Kurenai and Kakashi's heads whipped round.

"Other night, right, well, I kinda had this nightmare only I don't think it was actually a dream coz when I'm having dreams I don't wonder if I'm dreaming... in it, I was in these like sewers, with pipes all over and stuff, and mucky as fuck, I mean like they made the defence tunnels look neat. And I could hear somethin' snivelling and it sounded sorta like the fuzzball. So I followed the tunnel towards where the noise was coming from, and there was these like bars in the wall, right, and the fuzzball was in there. Y'know, I always thought the 'monster demon fox' was gonna be huge, right?"

"It wasn't when I saw it." Kurenai said, voice soft. "The people who call it a giant beast are the ones who never actually saw it. It's about the size of a large dog, such as a German Shepard, or maybe a wolf... in some ways that makes it all the more terrifying, that such incredible destructive power can be packed into such a small space."

"Yeah." Naruto agreed. "And it was real mangy and stuff, and it was snivvelling and twitching all scaredy-cat like. When it realised I was there, it came over, goin' on about someone coming then when I asked it who it started going 'Eye Eye coothledog fat nag' again. It scarpered when I tried to poke it's nose. It's totally nuts."

"Coothledog...?" Kakashi muttered. "I'd swear something about that sounds oddly familiar."

"Do you suppose the seal might be breaking down?" Kurenai asked Naruto.

"Don't think so." Naruto said, suddenly angry. "That ain't the first time I've heard from that fucking fuzzball, it's always moaning and gibbering and snivelling, or singing this really stupid song about some sorta architect, or ranting on 'Eye Eye coothledog fat nag' or howling or pissing and moaning... man, if I'm gonna have a fucking monster stuck in me it at least coulda been a cool one, but oh no, I gotta be stuck with this shitbrained drooling idiot fuzzball."

"It'd likely be best to check." Kakashi advised. "From what you're both saying, the fox is still just as messily insane as it was back when; the last thing we need is that thing getting loose and finishing what it started."

"Fuckin' Amen." Naruto emphatically stated.

"I'll speak to the Hokage." Kakashi told him.

Naruto nodded, spent a few moments gloomily staring out across the railway over Tokyo and into the distance, then suddenly snorted.

"Y'know, it's kinda fucked-up really. Mosta the time when people hear voices in their heads it means they're crazy. Me, it's the voice I got in my head that's the crazy one."

**End: Chapter 2.**

Underlining that, in this setting, Death does not work like that and neither do Kyuubis.

Oh, and Bill Door's a blend of Death from the Discworld books and Eddie from Iron Maiden artwork.

Doghead Out.


	3. Chapter 3

**This ain't no slash fic.**

**This ain't no self-insert fic neither.**

**This is Top Dog.**

* * *

_People sayin they know me_

_But they only know a portion..._

* * *

As she trudged homewards, Hinata Hyuuga was not in the finest frame of mind.

Last night had been something else. Even before she'd learned where her duty to her family truly lay, every moment she was able to spend with Naruto Uzumaki had been a godsend; being ordered to spend every moment she could with the man of her dreams had revitalised her.

But her day had been Hell on Earth, and she was frightened about her father's response when he learned she'd been getting colossally drunk with Naruto and Sasuke. She'd never sampled alcohol before, and it had gone straight from can to brain.

Walking into the Hyuuga compound and giving the duty guards a nod and smile, she felt almost like a condemned prisoner walking towards the gallows, especially when what one of the guards had just said sank in.

"Hinata-sama, your father wishes to see you in his office at once."

Oh. Shit.

"Thankyou, Junko-san." She was screwed.

She hurried through the maze of buildings and walkways within the Hyuuga compound, swiftly arriving at the outer office; the longer she kept her father waiting, the more utterly screwed she was.

His secretary rang her through almost immediately.

Doom.

Her father was stood in the centre of the room with his arms crossed.

Doooooom.

"Where were you last night, young lady?" Hiashi blandly queried, in a tone of voice Hinata intimately recognised. It was his explain-now-or-you're-for-it voice.

Dooooooooooooooooooom.

"I-I w-was sp-speaking t-to N-Naruto and U-Uchiha-san at N-Naruto's place." she said. "I-it got a b-bit late s-so I c-crashed over and h-he doesn't have a f-phone."

"Ah." Hiashi said, uncrossing his arms, which was to Hinata's experience a good sign. Maybe not doom?

"So, do you have anything to report?"

Nah, doom.

"H-he knows." she said.

"Knows what?"

Hinata swallowed several times in an attempt to get her nerves under control.

"N-Naruto knows w-who his f-father is." she said. "And he h-hates the m-man."

Hiashi didn't reply for several moments.

"I see." he finally muttered. "Is there anything else?"

"Y-yes. H-he knows about th-the f-fox. A-and he says it's i-insane."

"In what way?"

"H-he says it's n-normally m-muttering and gibbering and screaming in the b-back of his mind." she explained. "He, uh, he w-wasn't very p-polite, he c-called it 'th-the shitbrained drooling idiot fuzzball'."

"I see." Hiashi repeated, frown deepening. "Is there anything else?"

"His h-home... it's a f-f-fortress." Hinata said.

Hiashi raised a warning hand. "Don't tell me the layout! I cannot be forced to tell what I do not know... how would you rate the defences?"

"Th-they're ab-ab-about on a p-par with an a-ANBU s-safehouse but w-with more e-e-escape r-routes. I w-would say they w-were as good as c-can be without s-sentries and b-blast w-walls."

"Glad to hear it." Hiashi said, nodding thoughtfully, and Hinata found herself really hoping he misunderstood why she was getting all relieved about him buying her lie about the number of escape routes she knew about from Naruto's apartment. "Now, I understand that your team and the young master's team has been functionally amalgamated; do you foresee any problems with your team-mates or the young master's team-mates?"

Hinata considered that for several long moments, thoughtfully scratching her chin. She wouldn't normally have dared do that in front of her father, but she was getting caught up in the moment.

"I d-don't t-trust Uchiha-san." she said. "He is... b-broken. I d-don't think h-he knows how not to b-be angry."

Hiashi nodded grimly.

"Indeed; I cannot say I am surprised. Watch him carefully; if he becomes a threat, inform me at once. What of the Aburame or the Inuzuka, or that foundling girl?"

"I th-think they're okay."

Hiashi nodded, considering that. "I see... Have you anything else to report?"

"Uchiha-san s-starts t-trying to r-rap when h-he's d-drunk." Oh god, why'd she go and say that?

Hiashi gave her a long contemplative look.

"You... were drunk, correct?"

Hinata nodded, starting to feel freaked out again and all too aware she'd just gone as red as Sakura's favourite shirt.

"Along with the Uchiha and the young master?"

She nodded again, wishing she could sink through the floor.

Hiashi contemplated her for several moments, then nodded.

"I see." he said. "Very well; dismissed."

What happened to the doom?

As the sound-proofed door closed behind her, Hinata could have sworn for a moment that she heard the beginning of a roar of laughter in her father's voice.

Nah. Couldn't be.

* * *

**Disclaimer: This disclaimer is invisible. You can't see it.**

* * *

**Naruto: A Fox in Tokyo.**

**A Doghead13 / United Galaxies fanfic**

**Written & produced by Calum J 'Doghead13' Wallace**

**Preread by Kuro_Neko**

**Aided and abetted by the denizens of Caer Azkaban**

**Brought to you by Hairy Scottish Git Productions, GMBH**

**This is not a drill.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: That. Damned. Cat.**

**(In which a homicidal feline is met, and discussions are held)**

"So." Kakashi said.

"So?" Kurenai asked. The pair of Jonins were stood on the compound's perimeter wall, leaning against the side of the generator house; Naruto had taken off to meet up with the others at Ichiraku's.

"What do you think about the kids?"

She didn't reply for a while, instead momentarily amusing herself by catching the eye of the driver of a passing freight train; he was obviously an old hand on this route as seeing ninjas on that wall didn't visibly surprise him and he hadn't reacted to the pair of Hyuugas who were perched on the front of his locomotive. Instead, he gave the beautiful Jonin an appreciative look and sounded his horn.

"How good is Naruto really?" she finally asked.

Kakashi snorted, idly nodding to the very surprised hobo who was relaxing on one end of a passing flatcar.

"His chakra control is... well, ropey. I'm not surprised, with the sheer quantities he's got."

"Quantities? How much are we talking?"

"You've seen the way he spams Kage Bunshins." Kakashi let out a low laugh. "Sarutobi can produce three – four and he exhausts himself. Each time you replicate yourself with that thing, it splits your available chakra between you and your clone. So, the first one halves your chakra, the second halves it again, and so on and so forth."

"Kakashi, just how many of those can Naruto produce?"

"I'm not sure. At least a couple of hundred – and it doesn't visibly tire him. At all."

"... holy SHIT."

"I'm still not sure if it's physically _possible_ for the kid to suffer chakra exhaustion."

"Ropey control?"

"Yeah. He's got so much chakra that trying to cast an Academy-level justu is like trying to water a flowerpot with the Victoria Falls. I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the picture... You realise we've got six incredibly talented kids?"

"Even the Haruno girl?"

"Her chakra control's better than mine and nearly as good as yours. Sasuke's an absolute chakra powerhouse – in terms of chakra he's Chuunin-level today, with control to match. He'll easily be Kage-level by the time he's twenty; the only reason it's missable is because we're comparing him to Naruto, who might as well have an infinite supply. Hinata and Kiba are nearly as powerful as Sasuke, and Kiba's got reflexes like a weasel on crack while Hinata's control's almost as refined as Sakura's. As for Shino, he's got a mind like a steel trap and a precision of control over those insects of his that's at least on a level with his father. Frankly, we're looking at six legends in the making." He gave Kurenai a side-on look. "I'll be putting my three into the next Chuunin exams we host."

"That'll be, what, December '98?" She checked.

"Yeah." Kakashi confirmed.

"So we've got a year and a half... do you really think they'll be ready that soon?"

"Count on it." Kakashi said with a firm nod.

"So... C-rank missions?"

"I've spoken to the Hokage. He'll give the kids one once they pluck up the guts to complain to his face about the D-ranks." Kakashi said, smirking behind his mask.

Kurenai stared at him for a long moment, then burst out laughing.

"I doubt it'll take Naruto long."

* * *

The next morning found Kakashi and Kurenai sitting in a disused bedroom within the mansion, both holding binoculars. They'd told the Genins to meet up at eight o'clock sharp at the generator house; the pair of Jounins would be heading down to meet them whenever the six finally spotted them.

"Good; they've got the timing right." Kurenai said as she watched the six converge on the building.

"Looks like Shino's taking up sentry duty... what the hell is Naruto playing at?"

"I think he's shooting at the crocs with that toy gun again. Ah; Hinata's noticed us."

"Trust Naruto to start making offensive gestures... well I'll be... huh, didn't know Sasuke had it in him."

"Kakashi, why do you sound pleased that Sasuke just mooned us?"

"Because the kid really needs to loosen up. Come on; we might as well head down there."

* * *

Having spent the morning doing pairs katas and full-power sparring, and lunchtime arguing about the virtues of different calibres of rifle, the six headed over to the Hokage's office to get work.

And it was thus that the six Genins (and one dog) found themselves introduced to the animal generally known as 'That. Damned. Cat.'

The cat in question went by the name of Tora, and was the uncontested bane of every Konohagakure Genin's life; mention 'That damned cat' to anyone who'd been a Genin (or in command of a Genin squad) any time in the last eight years and they'd immediately know what you were talking about.

A battle-scarred but immensely fluffy white tomcat with razor-sharp claws, ragged remains of ears, a face like a bunch of knuckles, and a mind like an elastic band, Tora was the pet of a particularly idiotic old lady, apparently the Master's batty spinster sister-in-law, who absolutely doted on the psychotic ball of fluff and claws.

Tora, as per the tom-cat pattern, liked to wander off looking for lady-cats to violate, other tom-cats to mutilate, and small defenceless fuzzy creatures to brutally murder, and if he was (as usual) gone more than ten minutes his owner would become convinced someone had 'kidnapped' him, whereupon she would command her brother-in-law's ninjas to recover her 'poor darling puddy tat'.

As this was a complete and utter waste of time (if unfound, Tora would inevitably come back a few hours later, looking sincerely smug and bearing a few more battle-scars) the task was of course passed off on the Genins, whom the cat seemed to loathe for fairly simple reasons.

Tora, simply put, hated everyone and everything. Any attempt to capture the 'evil fluffball' resulted in claw-related incidents and mayhem; Naruto found himself privately admitting to Sasuke and Hinata that he'd finally found a fuzzball more evil and insane than the fox.

All of which explains exactly why the general consensus of the six Genins was, 'thank fuck it's Sunday'.

Prior to the two teams being amalgamated, Kakashi had Wednesdays off and Kurenai had Saturdays; Sarutobi had spent five minutes reshuffling duty rosters to pull the two teams into line, and the only two Jonins who had the same rest day and (after threats and/or bribes) were okay with swapping duty periods with the leaders of the combined team happened to have their day off be a Monday.

Thus, on Sunday afternoon following three days of intensive training, Kakashi and Kurenai told their Genins to have fun, and in fact Kakashi dropped the six kids the address of a Konohagakure ninja bar that he advised was 'genin-friendly'.

Watching the two adults head off in different directions – Kakashi towards the Memorial, Kurenai towards her best friend Anko Mitarishi's place – Sakura blew out a sigh.

They hadn't got wrecked Saturday night; the lesson of that morning hadn't taken them long to learn as being hungover on a grenade range is not fun.

"So... what're we gonna do tonight, Sasuke-kun?" She asked.

"Same thing we do every night, Pinky." Sasuke drawled, giving Naruto a side-on look.

Much to his delight, the next part came out as a chorus:

"Try to take over the world!"

"I'm pretty much bushed." Sasuke continued. Only Naruto seemed to have much in the way of energy left, but that wasn't exactly unusual considering the demon container's not-so-latent hyperactivity. "How about we drop past Ichiraku's, then split up for a while, I gotta get a rest. Then later on we could check that bar out, and I guess afterwards we can head to my place, I got beer."

"Sounds like as good a plan as any." Naruto said, nodding, and glanced round at each of the others, all of whom indicated that they were game.

"OK, let's drop our rifles off and we'll meet up in, what, half an hour at Ichiraku's?"

"I'll have to be a bit late; I gotta check some stuff up at home." Kiba said. "I'll be about an hour and a quarter, 'kay?"

"OK; I'll probably be at the pub by then." Naruto said.

"I'll see ya there."

Making agreeing noises, the others headed away.

Naruto grinned a bit and leapt neatly down from the roof of the generator house onto the side of the railway line, and began mooching towards home.

* * *

"Sakura."

Once again, Sakura Harano found herself nearly jumping out her skin on hearing her name in her sensei's voice, causing her to whirl round.

"Oh! - Hello, Kakashi-sensei."

"We need to talk." the white-haired man said, straightening away from the wall.

"What about, sensei?"

"About birds, bees and interpersonal relationships." Kakashi said. "Come."

Nervously, she followed him; he led her to a quiet basement bar, and he further surprised her by buying her a beer before sitting down opposite her in a corner booth.

"You're not going to like what I've got to say, but it's got to be said." he said.

"What is this about?" she asked.

"It's about Sasuke and, more to the point, just how colossally disturbed he really is..."

* * *

Fangirls.

Everywhere he went, fucking fangirls. It was like, Sasuke Uchiha mused as he sloped into the ninja bar popularly known as the Pissing Mutt, he couldn't move without fangirls up the ying-yang.

He could see them from here, he could see the assumption on the faces of the whole lot of them – every last one of them thought he was going to sit with them.

Only one was right, and he wasn't going to so much sit with her as with the short-arse blonde dobe she was with.

He really wasn't sure when he'd upgraded Naruto Uzumaki from 'dobe' to 'buddy' and, on reflection, it didn't really matter. He wasn't really sure about what made the dobe tick, what drove the dobe – but he was absolutely certain that, if he let the dobe, well, the only thing that'd stop Naruto Uzumaki backing Sasuke Uchiha up was the Grim Reaper, because, dobe or not, hyperactive or not, annoying or not, fucking crazy or not, the dobe _understood_.

No pity, no condescending looks, no trying to make it easy, none of that crap that forced Sasuke to think that Itachi had a point – the dobe just got it, got that sometimes there are things a man's got to do if anyone's ever gonna be able to call him a man, and wasn't like, here, let me handle this shit, he was like, I got your back buddy.

Naruto was annoying, but he understood and he was right there, and he wasn't going to steal Sasuke's kill, no fucking chance if Sasuke'd even started to get his measure. Dobe was the kind of backup a guy can rely on.

And somewhere beneath the semi-permanent sneer, Sasuke knew he was going to need that sort of backup if he was ever going to set things straight with his so-called brother.

"Hey, bastard. What took you?" the dobe asked. He was sitting one side of a booth, with Hinata one side of him and Sakura the other side of her; Akamaru had annexed Sakura's lap, while Kiba was sitting beside Sakura and blocking her in. They'd obviously got going early from the number of empty glasses.

"Fangirls." Sasuke snarled, suddenly back in a right high dudgeon. "I swear if I'd got a Ma Deuce and all the fangirls in the world lined up... fucking BOOM."

"Hey, relax man." Naruto said, angling a thumb at Kiba, who was repositioning himself to block anyone from trying to sit beside Sasuke. "Don't gotta worry about that shit when you got your friends around, right bastard?"

"Hey, anyone seen bugboy?" Kiba asked.

"I'm right behind you, Inuzuka-san." Shino commented, emerging from the crowd. "You need to work on your situational awareness."

"Bite me."

"Hey, Shino. What's up?" Naruto asked.

"I don't know; I've never been there." Shino's deadpan response caused Hinata to release a most unladylike snort then go bright pink.

"Oi, sit here bugboy, I'm gonna go get a round." Kiba said, getting up; Shino seemed to immediately understand, seating himself firmly beside Sasuke. "What's everyone drinkin'?"

Everyone having ordered, the most complex being 'Lager, cold' from Sasuke and the simplest being 'Beer' from Naruto, Sasuke glanced around.

"So, what's happening?" he asked, momentarily wondering why a certain pink-haired fangirl looked oddly subdued; something had happened to her between when they left Ichiraku's and when they got to the Pissing Mutt.

Naruto pointed in the direction of the stage, where a couple of people in the pub's staff T-shirts were setting up a karaoke machine.

"... oh bloody hell, karaoke night." Sasuke muttered.

"Hey. Move, you." a voice Sasuke hadn't wanted to hear declared from behind Shino; glancing round, he discovered who he'd been expecting (one Ino Yamanaka) and proceeded to bang his head on the table several times.

"No." Shino said, adjusting his sunglasses.

"That wasn't a request. I'm going to sit beside Sasuke-kun." the vorpal fangirl declared.

"Actually, you're not." Shino replied, in that same deadpan.

"Don't make me have to hurt you." she growled.

"Go stick your head in a pig." Shino suggested, earning himself another barely-stifled snort from Hinata.

"I won't stand for-"

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water!" Shino snapped, causing Hinata to struggle not to start giggling. "I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away, or I shall taunt you another time!"

He stuck his thumbs in his ears (and his tongue out) and, waggling his fingers, made an insane warbly burbling noise that might possibly have been some variant of raspberry.

"Look, four-eyes." Ino hissed. "Don't you try to out-weird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal."

"There are currently thirty-five kikai bugs remarkably close to a very specific portion of your anatomy." Shino informed her, meaningfully aiming a finger at her crotch. "Correction, thirty-six. If you don't want them to engage in some internal exploration, go away."

Ino went very red, looked down, let out a horrified squeak as she saw the insects disappearing under her skirt, and legged it with her hands between her legs while yelling something about 'argh', 'beetles' and 'getthemoffme', all the while failing to notice that the beetles in question had dropped off and were scuttling back to their symbiotic partner.

"Well, that got rid of her. Welcome back, boys; mission accomplished." the Aburame gloated as he let the squad of bugs run up his sleeve from where he'd touched his fingers to the floor, and then he noticed the looks the rest of Team 7/8 were giving him. "What?"

"We're tryn'a work out what you've been smokin' this time." Kiba, who had in the interim returned bearing drinks, told him.

"I often find that being sufficiently weird is enough to make annoying people such as Yamanaka depart the area." Shino replied, accepting a beer. "When it isn't, threats of molestation by beetles is the next step."

"So what's the step after that?" Sakura asked, sounding simultaneously fascinated and appalled.

"Carrying through with the threat, of course." Shino told her. "An empty threat is rather pointless, you know." Sasuke swore that Shino was smirking a bit, but since when did Shino ever have an expression? "Admittedly, it can occasionally backfire; that's how my parents met."

"... remind me never to piss you off." Sakura said. She looked a bit ill.

"Hey, uh, Shino..." Sasuke said, grinning a bit.

"Yes, Uchiha-san?"

"... thanks."

"Think nothing of it; I make a policy of doing a minimum of one thing every day that scares normal people."

That proved too much for the dobe, who cracked up and started howling with laughter, which rapidly set Hinata off.

"Hey, Hinata." Kiba said, once everyone had got over their giggle-fits. "How come you always cover yer mouth when ya laugh?"

"It ain't her fault that pops of hers made her shy." Sasuke snarled, suddenly pissed off. Hinata went even pinker than Sakura's hair.

"It's n-not th-that," Hinata started to say, but Naruto butted in.

"The bastard was right the other night, y'know." the blonde told her, angling a thumb at Sasuke. " Hinata, believe it, your old man's full of shit."

"Bastard actually said that?" Kiba boggled.

"Fuck off, mutt. I said Hiashi Hyuuga's a shit-head." Sasuke snarled. He was rapidly approaching a state of slobbering frenzy. "And I don't say shit like that when I don't mean it. So he calls you useless, hey Hinata? Like fuck you're useless, I've seen you going at it with them hand-cannons and you," he jabbed a finger into her collarbone, "Are officially fucking scary." His glare intensified, and he continued poking her collarbone. "I wouldn't say that to just anyone, Hinata Hyuuga, so you better fucking believe me. Your old man's a dirty sack of lying shit. He oughtta get his head out his arse or I predict someone's gonna give him an attitude readjustment, drive-by with a fucking gat! No motherfucker rolls around dissin' my crew!"

"Fucking Amen, bastard." Kiba growled.

"Shut your hole, mutt. This shit's important, for real."

"Hey, talkin' 'bout important stuff, well, knowin' Kakashi he's gonna start pushin' us real soon, an' if we ain't ready we're gonna be up shit creek." the dobe remarked. Hinata looked very relieved at the change of subject.

"Well how in the fuck are we gonna get ready anyway?" Sasuke snapped.

"First off we all gotta get better chakra control, an' you guys gotta try'n strengthen yer reserves, right, an' we gotta work on our sneakin'-about skills."

"That would be prudent, going by what my father has told me." Shino said.

"What'd your father tell you?" Sakura asked.

"A lot of things. He told me the most amusing uses for kikai bugs, he told me to always keep twice the munitions I believe I will need, he told me that overkill is a myth invented by pinko liberals and flower-power peaceniks to save enemy lives, but pertinent to our current subject he told me that once a Genin team is successfully operating as a team, the usual form is to begin setting seemingly-impossible operation criteria, docking pay for failure to adhere to criteria, letting the Genins suffer for a week or two, and then once they've got halfway to figuring it out on their own, giving them the necessary training to cope."

"... oh. So, uh, chakra, right?"

"Yeah, we gotta all maximise our control an' reserves because believe it, we're gonna need it." Naruto said, nodding firmly.

"My control's good." Sakura chirped up. "But... well, I haven't got much of anything in the way of reserves."

"Chakra's like a muscle." Naruto told her. "The more you work it the more you get out, right? I mean, you were pretty crap the first time you tried pushups."

"Well, isn't everyone?" she asked, slightly put out.

"Course. But if anyone don't work it they won't get better. And the more constantly you can work it without working it too hard, the faster it gets better."

"That wasn't very coherent, but I get the idea." Sakura agreed.

"That's why I reckon we oughtta find some way of exercisin' our chakra a bit all the time." Naruto said. "Hey, any of you know that water-walking thingy?"

Everyone aside from Sasuke (who looked annoyed) and Sakura (who looked embarrassed) nodded.

"Right. Bastard, Sakura, I can teach the both of you later, right? Hey, and mebbe Shino can help, he's good at explainin' stuff, which I ain't. Everyone else, accordin' to what Vulture tole me it's good trainin' for most people to run it all the time and, hey, good habit to get into coz it's how you can walk over mud an' stuff an' not leave footprints, and don't look worried Sakura, it don't take much chakra to do it, right?"

"What about you, Uzumaki-san?" Shino asked.

"Well, I'm always levitatin' myself a bit anyway when I ain't relaxin' someplace, I got into the habit ages back, I'd a' been busted like a million times if I left footprints."

"That was not what I meant; you're saying we should be doing everything we can to maximise our chakra reserves and control, but you're not saying you need to work on your own, and from what I've observed your control is... limited."

"Well, yeah, my control's kinda ropey, but tryn'a strengthen it with little stuff like not actually steppin' in shit is a bit like tryn'a kill an elephant with a peashooter, right?"

"Dobe, you're obviously following your own advice in some way. Spit it out." Sasuke growled, glaring at him.

"Well I got like two hundred Kage Bunshins up all the time." Naruto said, looking smug. "I Henged 'em to not look like me, right, and they're knockin' round Tokyo checkin' shit out."

"... you said they split your chakra. Share it round." Sasuke blankly stated.

"What kind of reserves have you got anyway?" Shino asked, peering over his sunglasses and thus revealing that he had pleasant brown eyes and looked absolutely shocked.

"That's a secret." Naruto said. "Hey, looks like they're ready for people to start takin' turns singin', I'm gonna go have a go."

With that, he leapt to his feet and went dashing over to the stage.

"You can see a person's chakra coils." Shino remarked, looking side-on at Hinata.

"W-well, yes, I c-can." Hinata readily agreed, obviously hesitant about where this was going.

"Just how much has Uzumaki-san got anyway?" Shino asked, absently pushing his sunglasses back up.

"Um, w-well, I'm n-not sure because it's h-hard to look at him with th-the b-Byakugan. A-all there is t-to see is th-this Naruto-shaped b-blob of chakra so c-c-concentrated all th-the details b-blur out into this b-bunch of orangey w-white that m-makes my eyes w-water. It's a-almost like..." Hinata paused, obviously struggling to find the right comparison, and finally said, "Like s-staring into the sun."

Shino slowly removed his sunglasses, and spent a moment cleaning them.

Then he said, "Damn."

* * *

It transpired that Naruto Uzumaki was into some seriously old-school rock-and-roll as he sneered his way through Alice Cooper's 'Gutter Cat vs. The Jets'.

"Okay, bastard." he said, huge grin firmly in place as he swaggered back over to Team 7/8's table, "Your turn."

Sasuke gave Naruto a dire look.

"I'm bad at singing." he flatly stated.

"C'mon man – it don't matter." Naruto said with a shrug. "Half of everyone in here's crap at it, and I really do mean _crap_. It really don't matter."

"I don't think this crowd'd dig my tunes." Sasuke tried.

"So? You think Alice Cooper's everyone's thing? I told you man, it doesn't matter."

"You're not gonna let this lie, are you dobe?"

"What, are you chicken?"

Sasuke glared at the dobe, said, "Screw it." and headed for the stage.

He'd heard the fangirls whisper. He could see it in their eyes as he cued up the track and set the distortion on the mike. They all though he was into the same sappy crap as they insisted on melting their brains with – idol singers, boy bands, that sort of bullshit.

Not only no, but Hell No.

_Eat this you fucks._

"_**Everything's tight from my loot to my friends  
I ain't got time to tighten up loose ends...Huh  
I've been that route too many times  
If I ain't stabbed in the back I ain't fightin no crime  
I wish for that which my heart holds near  
But ain't nobody playin what I'm tryin' to hear  
I've been sayin for years that the fakes wouldn't last  
You were jockin that bullshit, now you lookin' like an ass..."**_

* * *

Afterwards, walking away from the karaoke stage amidst a mixture of stunned silence from the fangirls and foot-stomping and hollering from assorted others, Sasuke had a bit of a spring in his step that hand't been there before.

"Kid Rock?" the fangirl said, and Sasuke took a moment's intense satisfaction at the dazed-and-shellshocky tone in her voice.

"Don't diss the Kid, Pinky." He growled, levelling a full-power #2 Sasuke Glare at her. "He's good at what he does."

"Hey, thought you said you were bad at singin'?" The dobe asked.

"I don't sing; I rap." Sasuke firmly informed him, taking a seat as several people (primarily Kiba) shoved an annoyed Shino up onto the stage.

"Well yer good at rapping." Naruto said, shrugging.

Sasuke smirked.

"Some people seek to be cool, others have coolness thrust upon them. Me, I was _born_ cool."

"Yeah right – dickhead." Naruto grinned and gave Sasuke a rough clout on the shoulder. "Same old stuck-up bastard, huh?"

"Feh. Dobe."

" Hello, I'm Johnny Cash..." came Shino's voice from the direction of the stage, suddenly possessed of a very different accent.

"Y'know, bastard, I reckon you got the whole goals thing the wrong way round." Naruto remarked, and then slugged back a long pull of beer as Shino started to do a banal job of singing something bluesy in English about some sort of prison.

"What the hell are you on about dobe?"

"I've read up on Itachi." Naruto said, and Sasuke went as rigid as a board. "He is fuckin' dangerous, man." The orange-clad street rat leant forwards over the table and glared at the last loyal Uchiha. "So what the fuck you gonna do if he wins when you run off to fight him, huh?"

Sasuke didn't reply.

"He gotta point, man." Kiba remarked. "Fuckin' hell, you gonna let your family die out or somethin'?"

"Thin ice." Sasuke snarled.

"I ain't jokin', bastard. This is serious stuff." Naruto snarled back, half standing up. "Hell with it but I like you, you fuckin' arrogant bastard, an' I don't wanna see you getting your ass wasted out there, an' if you do I wanna be able to tell your kids just what a badass motherfucker their dad was."

Sasuke stared at him for a long moment, then chuckled darkly and shook his head.

"You're a real piece of work, dobe."

"You too, bastard."

* * *

Sakura found herself pressured into taking a turn at the karaoke next, thoroughly embarrassing herself with a bad rendition of Marilyn Monroe's 'Material Girl' when it turned out she barely spoke a word of English, followed by the spectacle of Kiba belting out a very enthusiastic but horribly mispronounced gibberish version of Guns 'N' Roses 'Paradise City' while Akamaru yodelled hilariously in tune to the guitars, whereupon a now rather drunk Hinata slurred her way through some folk song nobody else recognised, and then they set to getting even more drunk and gave people who weren't a part of the combined team a chance at the mike.

Eventually, they decided to head for Sasuke's place; by this time, Hinata (who had been matching Naruto drink-for-drink) was so thoroughly drunk she couldn't stand up and could barely cling on to the ground.

"I gotta drop past old man Hokage's place an' pick some bits up, I'll meet you lot at bastard's place." Naruto said. There were a couple scrolls he'd left at the Hokage's apartment that he now wanted to show the others when everyone came round in the morning, and he figured he might as well have them with.

"Hey, mind if I roll along with ya, man?" Kiba asked. "I just wanna talk about some stuff, in private like."

"Yeah, sure." Naruto said, shrugging. "Hey, see you guys in a bit."

"You know the way in, dobe?" Sasuke checked.

"Sure I do, I figured it out after, well, a while back." Naruto said, changing what he'd been about to say halfway through as referring to the time he'd pranked Itachi would probably send Sasuke ballistic.

Sasuke gave him a momentary dubious look, shrugged, then glanced at Shino.

"Wanna help me with white-eyes, bugboy?"

"Certainly, Uchiha-san." Shino said, moving to support Hinata's other side.

"Mm'kay. C'n walkon m'own." Hinata mumbled.

"Hinata, you're completely plastered." Sakura told her.

"S'notthatbad."

"Yes it is, you can sit down at Sasuke-kun's place and sober up a bit."

"... 'kay."

* * *

"So, whatcha wanna talk about?" Naruto asked. He and Kiba were now mooching their way towards the Kuno compound, and with it Sarutobi's apartment; Akamaru was running around sniffing at things but mostly keeping up.

"Been thinkin' about somethin'." Kiba replied.

"What likes?" Naruto asked, surprised about how serious the usually cheerful and boisterous boy sounded – he'd been going to respond by cracking a joke about thinking he'd smelt smoke, but something about Kiba's tone stopped him.

"Hinata." Kiba said. "I'm worried about her, man." This immediately caused Akamaru to turn his attention off pissing on a lamp post and, with a sharp bark and a firm nod, take up position between the two boys.

"What's wrong with her?" Naruto asked, not liking the way this was going. Over the last few days, he'd developed a bit of a soft spot for the Hyuuga heiress; she was kinda cute the way she got all shy around him.

"Haven't you noticed the way she only stops stuttering when she's totally drunk?" Kiba asked, sounding a bit put out.

Naruto thought about that. She'd stopped stuttering about the same time as she'd started hiccuping that night at his place, and tonight she'd stopped stuttering at about the same time as she'd plucked up the courage to take a turn singing, and both times she'd already lost the ability to walk in a straight line.

"Now you mention it..." he mused.

"There's somethin' well wrong if someone can't relax without bein' blasted, man, an' I wanna help her but I dunno how." Kiba bluntly stated. Akamaru nodded firmly but said nothing.

"Mebbe it's her dad." Naruto said. "Fuckit, I always known dads were a waste a' time."

"Aw, they ain't always so bad, man, I mean I figure Hinata gotten a reason to think that and I guess same goes for you an' bastard, but..." Kiba shook his head. "Look, man, me an' me dad, we get on real good. He's kinda an arse sometimes, but I've really been missin' him."

Naruto nodded, interested and a touch worried; he'd never heard anything about Kiba's father before, and maybe that was because the man was dead? "What happened?"

"Aw, him an' Mum got in a huge fight an' Dad hadta scarper an' he don't come home no more, he's with TAPD, he drives police labors fer SVD Section Two, on second division, right? He's cool, man. I see him when I can get over to Areoka Harbour City an' he ain't on duty, but that ain't often; Dad says they're right overworked an' understaffed an' he ain't got time to bleed never mind visit, but I know that's coz Mum tried to castrate him. But we're gettin' sidetracked. We were talkin' about Hinata."

"... yeah." Naruto agreed, glaring at the pavement. "I guess... well, about all we can do is ask her what's up while she's real blasted, right?"

"I swear if it's coz of that asshole dad of hers I'm gonna rip off his head an' shit down his neck." Kiba stated, clenching a fist and glowering at it. "Hinata's a sweet chick an' she ain't done nothin' to fuckin' nobody, an' anyway there ain't nobody fuckin' messes with us."

**End: Chapter 3.**

AN – If anyone's wondering, since Kiba's canon dad isn't described in more detail than having run away from Kiba's mother, I had to flesh him out for why Kiba doesn't think dads are a bad idea. I settled on Isao Ohta, the gun-mad labor cop from Patlabor, because he's loopy enough to do something like getting intimately involved with a stone-crazy ninja dog-handler, and because his attitude's just as straightforwards and gung-ho as Kiba's.

Doghead Out.


End file.
